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Whatever you're up to I will find you and destroy you, by Chris Martin

By Chris Martin, former Coldplay singer turned judge of all the earth

I ALWAYS knew I would find my purpose in life. That being leader of the world’s most insipid stadium rock act was only filling time until I discovered it. 

And now, after the Boston incident, I know what I was always meant to be: a vigilante punishing wrongdoing from whom nobody in this world is safe.

Who else? Who holds higher moral ground than I? A vegan, a father, proudly carbon-neutral, privately educated yet not elitist. I was born to sit in judgement over you. Confidentially, I already do.

But it wasn’t until I exposed infidelity on the kiss-cam, forcing a man’s resignation and wrecking his life, that I felt the savage glee of true righteousness. That I truly felt alive. And as I watched the repercussions and shattered lives, my joy only grew.

I realised what I should have known all along, given Coldplay’s music: I hate you all, I’m better than you all, and I was put on this world to hurt you.

So that’s me, from now on. Using my millions to hunt you out and ruin you. Cheating on your husband? Stealing from the self-service till? Slacking off at work? I’m coming for you. My cameras are everywhere.

You will be caught. You will go viral. The whole world will laugh but with an edge of nervous terror, knowing they can and will be next. No matter how minor your misdeed I will film it, I will share it, and I will f**king destroy you.

God, it feels so refreshing to say that finally. It’s a real burden lifted. Really excited for my reign of beige terror.

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Farage pledges elite force of hefty, red-faced men

NIGEL Farage has pledged to stamp out crime by recruiting a new force of large middle-aged men fortified with cooked breakfasts. 

The new SGPG, or Special Gammon Patrol Group, will exclusively be made up of men over six feet tall, over 16 stone in weight, and trained in enforcing common bloody sense.

He said: “Nobody feels safe when they see a policewoman. As well as being small they’re emotional, and may arrest you for not complimenting their earrings.

“What we need is men over 40 pounding the beat, stopping on every corner for a cigarette, popping in every pub for a pint, resting on garden walls to catch their breath. Proper community policing.

“Nobody will dare commit a crime with these absolute units around. They have only to step in front of an Albanian phone thief fleeing on an E-bike and he’d bounce off their mighty guts. And they won’t be afraid to judge on skin colour, in fact it’ll be their key criteria.

“Currently, everyone in Britain is afraid to go the shops and everyone in London has been murdered. Once we get these lads lumbering the streets that will be over. We’re the party of law and order, apart from our MPs.”

He added: “How would they police riots outside migrant hotels? They wouldn’t.”

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