Subscribe

Without a James Bond, a Doctor Who, Strictly presenters and a prime minister, Britain is defenceless

By Dr Helen Archer, professional catastrophist

OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over. 

What is there left? A threadbare, tatty King Charles and his sulky heir. A lesser Julia Donaldson adaptation for Christmas Day. A woman Archbishop of Canterbury. We cannot imagine they will defend us.

Can it really be just five short years since we had the dream team standing tall for Britain? Daniel Craig on the cusp of No Time To Die. Boris Johnson manfully wrestling Brexit through Parliament. The Queen at the helm. Okay, Doctor Who was a woman but still.

Where is that empire of transnational entertainment franchises now? Flat f**ked. And nothing has sprung up to replace them. So desperate we’re remaking Harry Potter and Tom Hiddleston’s back on telly. Even his ex has switched to dating American.

Ed Sheeran’s over, much as he doesn’t know it. Adele slumbers, awaiting a new Albion. Phil and Holly are toppled. Tess and Claudia have resigned in disgrace after being rejected sexually by Thomas Skinner. Britain is bereft of heroes.

We stand defenceless. Even Paddington in Peru was shit. But it can all be turned around. We just need to decide on the right man.

That’s right: I’m saying one man, one singular British man, should be the new prime minister, new James Bond, new Doctor Who, new King, new Strictly presenter and quite possibly could do a job on MasterChef. We just need to decide who.

I nominate Richard Osman. He’s good and tall and hasn’t put a foot wrong so far.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Report: millions of women just letting men put gross willies in them

MILLIONS of woman across the world are, against their better judgment, still allowing men to put their gross willies inside of them, research has found. 

A wide-ranging survey has found the practice continues across different cultures and countries even though the women largely agree they would not want a big dirty willy near them the majority of the time and certainly not near food.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We last did this survey in 2010, and willies have not had a good press since then. But the numbers are the same.

“Notwithstanding MeToo, Tinder, dick pics, and growing awareness of toxic masculinity, the majority of women are still willing to stick a man’s nasty, unwashed bellend into their most private region, and more besides.

“Women are practically running to leap onto a todger and pop it into an orifice. And it’s not just to get pregnant. They seem, as much as they may deny it in the cold light of day, to find something perversely attractive in the idea.

“The real shocker is that this still happens within lengthy marriages. These women who have taken one for the team for decades and are still doing it. It’s astoundingly charitable, and probably the one hopeful element of our report.”

Woman Carolyn Ryan said: “We should stop. I should stop.”

Next story ›