Men Buying Saucy Undies For Own Use, Says Report

NINE out of ten men buying women’s underwear this festive season are planning to wear it themselves on Christmas Day, new research shows. 

Most men are planning to wear just silk panties and perhaps a camisole top discreetly beneath their traditional holiday outfit of smart slacks and sweater.

However, four out of ten men say they will be wearing french knickers and matching bra underneath a vintage silk Cheongsam “Suzi Wong” dress when the family gathers round the tree on Christmas morning.

Peter Jones, the multi-millionaire entrepreneur star of TV’s Dragon’s Den, said he would be wearing a dramatic half-cup bra with oversized bow and playful tie-side knickers, which he plans to team with some classic 1950s style contrast seam stockings and a pair of mules.

He said: “I work hard in my underpants all year round so at Christmas I dress as a sexy woman. I love the feel of silk against my skin almost as much as I love money.”

Fellow dragon Duncan Bannatyne said he would be wearing a pair of deep-waisted panties in exotic leopard print tulle with a flattering criss-cross derriere and luxurious black silk ribbon suspender straps.

He added: “I will top this with a front fastening classic corset in duchess satin, featuring traditional steel spiral boning and back lacing for ultimate control. Sex on a stick.”

Dr Nikki Hollis, head of panties at the Undies Institute, said most men now wore women’s underpants to work on a daily basis.

She said: “They provide a snugger fit, thus holding the undercarriage in place more securely, which helps to guard against chafing.”

According to Dr Hollis the one in ten men who are not buying women’s undergarments to wear themselves this Christmas are buying them for their dog.

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Radio One Told To Take Some Time Off

RADIO One has been ordered to take a week off after colleagues expressed concern over her increasingly erratic behaviour.

The national pop music station is understood to have been suffering from severe stress in the run up to Christmas, culminating in the hysterical censoring of a 20 year-old song.

The station then reversed her decision before locking herself in the toilets and smoking half a packet of Marlboro Lights.

The move follows an 'intervention' by Radios Two, Three and Four as well as the BBC World Service.

Radio Three said last night: "Poor, darling Radio One has had an absolutely ghastly time recently. I wasn't in the least bit surprised to hear she'd had an 'incident'.

"I went through precisely the same thing a few years ago and refused to play Wagner for a fortnight."

Radio Four added: "I'm lucky, I've got Melvyn Bragg and Kirsty Young to keep me grounded. Dear old Onesy has to make do with a gang of inarticulate 12 year-olds and couple of foul-mouthed northerners."

Radio Two has offered to stand-in while Radio One recuperates at the Elfington Manor Hotel and Spa near High Wycombe.

The veteran station is expected to reassure worried listeners later today by playing the remixed version of Sir Cliff Richard's festive classic, Shit-Cock-Piss-Fuck.