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I am just the sort of credible celebrity supporter Reform needs. By Bonnie Blue

NIGEL Farage should be glad of my support. I’m practically a household name, I have a strong work ethic, and I’m not out of touch with young people, many of whom I have f**ked.

I feel I could be a huge asset to Reform with my talent for self-promotion and sleeping with horrible men. Would I consider having sex with 1,000 Reform members for the publicity? Yes I would, if the money’s right and the old gits can get it up.

Also I am much hotter than celebrity Labour supporters. Eddie Izzard looks like he’s sucked a few cocks in his time, but I doubt anyone would pay to watch it. Maxine Peake is quite fit but she’s really old. She should do an OnlyFans, lots of guys are into mature MILFs.

I think I’d be good at explaining Reform’s policies too. They’re right we should have less tax because the government shouldn’t be allowed to just help themselves to money you earned by working hard and chafing your fanny red raw. 

And immigration has got to stop because we’ve got too many foreigners coming here committing crimes. I admit my ‘barely-legal Bang Bus’ was technically against the law in Bali, but that was educational for teenagers, like helping them with their GCSEs.

I’m pretty sure I could win a load of seats for Reform too. I’m not mega-brainy but I am good with numbers, and apparently you can secure a marginal seat by winning over a relatively small number of voters. I’d only need to f**k a few hundred guys, and that’s totally doable.

So basically it’s a no-brainer for Reform to have me on board. I suppose the only question is, would I do a porno with Nigel? I’m afraid the answer is no. I’ve got my standards.

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Removing your partner's multiple layers: How to make it even remotely sexy

UNRAVELLING your over-insulated partner for sexual frolics can be a race against losing interest. Here’s how to get there with the mood intact.

Turn up the heating

Before any attempt to remove the clothing of your autumnal girlfriend ensure the room is sufficiently heated. The last thing you want is her putting her oversized chunky jumper back on because she’s cold, with four layers still to go. Make doubly sure by giving her a large hot boozy seasonal drink to raise her internal body temperature. And because you love her, obviously.

Start at the top

First remove any big fluffy ear muffs and hand-knitted bobble hats, neither of which scream ‘sex’. Then methodically work your way down. Ensure you don’t have cold hands, because this will result in the same reaction as if you’d come after her with a chainsaw.

Pay special attention to extremities

Slowly taking off your partner’s gloves with your teeth could be charged with eroticism, but you’ll probably decide against it if you don’t fancy a mouthful of wool and germs. Remove them swiftly and proceed to any chunky socks. Novelty slipper socks in particular are a passion-killer, unless you’re turned on by the very specific kink of being watched by rabbits with floppy ears and googly eyes as you make love.

Don’t try to be playful with garments

Don’t try to kiss someone who’s just wrestled out of a tight polo neck sweater, as they’ll already be gasping for air and there’s a risk of a static electric shock. A long woollen scarf can theoretically be sexily twirled out of or removed in striptease fashion, but it’s probably best just to unloop the whole thing quickly with minimum fuss to avoid intrusive thoughts of Tom Baker, who oddly monopolised the act of wearing a scarf.

Maintain interest by talking dirty

Unravelling a girlfriend could take longer than Sting can remain tantrically engorged, so keep the mood erotically charged with some choice sex talk. Try:

● ‘The touch of your scratchy woollen cardigan sets my skin on fire’

● ‘You’re like a hand-knitted Sydney Sweeney’

● ‘That sweater makes it like kissing a sexy lady Val Doonican’

Be the last one naked

Stay focused on undressing your partner. This ensures they’re committed to sex then you can quickly strip off without fuss. Unless you too are wearing two jumpers, thermal underwear, chunky socks and God knows what, in which case give her a book to read while you go through the whole sodding process again.

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