'Ich Bin Nicht Ein Nazi' Says Philip

PRINCE Philip has denied claims he is a Nazi, insisting his passionate racism is merely a hobby.

He said that despite his large collection of flags and uniforms, there was no ideological basis to his bigotry and that it was just something he liked to dabble in at weekends.

The Prince said he was outraged by suggestions that he was a Nazi sympathiser, stressing it was not his fault that he and his family 'had spent so many happy holidays with the Fuhrer, amidst the glorious mountain air of Berchtesgaden'.

Prince Philip, a member of the Argentinian wing of the Danish-German Royal House of Hammer-Cushing-Karloff, is related to most of the crowned heads of Europe, and at least four of their horses.

When they met during the war, the young Princess Elizabeth quickly fell in love with the tall, dashing Zeppelin pilot in his shiny black boots.

The Countess of Barrhead, a contemporary of the couple, said: "Philip was so handsome. In many ways he reminded me of Obergruppenführer Heydrich.

"She was completely smitten and would have done anything for him – even planting a bomb under the Lord Chancellor."

The Prince said last night: "Ich bin nicht ein Nazi. Ich liebe der Juden und der poofenshnabels."

He added: "Ich bin nicht liebe der Chinesenplafs, der Froggenheimers und der Dago-Woppenshnauzers, mit der greasenshlaft und garlickenpoop!"

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Fat Nigel From Eastenders Leads Eurovision Charge

EX-EASTENDERS character Nigel Bates is among the early favourites to represent the UK in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. 

The loud-shirted video shop manager and lovable loser finds himself up against five rival acts, including this year's 'indie' darlings, The Shitters.

Bates will also face stiff competition from the girl that got off with Anna Friel in Brookside, as well as the fat, ginger lad who played Pongo, or possibly Pogo, in Grange Hill and that curvy woman with the rosie cheeks and welcoming breasts who played Christopher Timothy's wife in All Creatures Great and Small.

Girl groups Gusset and The Weird Flaps are also in the running, along with a pair of semi-final winning Marti Pellows from the 1994 and 1996 series of Stars in Their Eyes, who will perform as Bros impersonating Robson and Jerome.

Wayne Hayes, the leading music critic, said: "Bad Botty by the Weird Flaps is my own personal favourite, but I also like Nigel's ballad about the death of his screen wife Debs and subsequent  custody battle for his adopted daughter Clare with Deb's violent and abusive husband. It's called I Miss You So Much I Can't Shit."

This year the six acts are divided up into four houses, Pippin, Cox, Pendu Plat and Gravenstein.

After each performance a panel of three judges will name four acts as 'house master', two of which will be trumps, unless either has already played their three of clubs.

In the event of a tie the acts go into a play-off where they all sing their songs at the same time and whoever finishes first is the winner.