I’VE decided to leave the lawless criminal dystopia that is Britain in 2025 and move to Dubai, a location I chose solely on the basis of international crime statistics.
It wasn’t an easy decision. Britain has given me so much, not least the chance to come second on The Apprentice in 2013 and be catapulted to the very top of the D-list celebrity category. But as I told social media, crime in Britain is so bad I no longer feel safe walking at night. Who knew that living in a mansion in the Hertfordshire countryside was so dangerous?
But it is, and so is the rest of the UK. Do we want to live in a country where you can’t even hop into your Range Rover without stepping over a freshly-murdered corpse? Which hasn’t technically actually happened to me but it probably will, soon.
By sheer chance Dubai has 0% personal income tax which my multi-millionaire husband and I will benefit greatly from, but that definitely wasn’t a factor in our decision. Just like it wasn’t for all the other poor wealthy celebrities out there because of Britain’s appalling crime.
And I speak from personal experience. Recently I was the victim of the worst form of crime – a YouTuber filming my house with a drone. The thought of a strange quadcopter going through my personal airspace for a video watched by almost no one left me understandably chilled to the bone.
As I say, I’m not the only one who feels this way. The respected millionaire plumber Charlie Mullins has urged Britons to move to Dubai to live in a ‘safe environment’. Reform’s Richard Tice prefers Dubai to Britain, which he notes is ‘going to Hell in a handcart’, and he wouldn’t exaggerate a problem to reinforce the prejudices of grumpy old people who always vote.
So as I bid farewell I’d urge you to consider moving to Dubai too. It’s not that hard to get in, judging by all the pointless British celebrity expats, so do join us if you can somehow make it to the airport without being murdered at random.
