Kim Jong-un’s Charlotte Church crush only getting bigger

KIM Jong-un has admitted that all he can think about is Charlotte Church.

As the Voice of an Angel star called for a 70 percent tax rate, the North Korean dictator declared her to be the ‘Great Successor’s Bride of Promise’ and ‘Star of All the Heavens’.

Kim said: “I have always known Charlotte is the one, ever since I saw a quintuple rainbow and a meteor shower as she sang Pie Jesu on This Morning.

“She embodies the principles of self-reliance, created by the Great Leader and her chat show was not the disaster everyone said it was, apart from that one episode with Jonathan Ross.

“As she moves away from the corrupt husk of capitalism towards the glorious communism that is her birthright, my heart swells with joy at the thought of our blessed union to be.

“I hope she likes inspecting factories. Ah, who doesn’t?”

Church said: “State control of all media, with scurrilous rumours punished by execution?

“I’m fucking there.”

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Greece postpones financial collapse of Europe until end of month

GREECE has told the IMF to enjoy the sunshine for another 25 days until the end of everything.

The country has promised that it will bundle all its June payments together and fail to deliver them on June 30, giving the EU the rest of the month to pretend it remains solvent.

Greek PM Alexis Tsipras said: “We all enjoy wearing clothes, eating food, watching a little television, so why end all that before we absolutely have to?

“There’ll be plenty of time for crouching in the ruins of your home, burning your neighbours’ furniture to cook the pets you’ve slaughtered for meat. Years and years of it.

“Let’s enjoy the weeks we’ve got left. Wow, electricity. I’m gonna miss that.”

Greece has offered Europe another few days of imagining it has a functioning economy if the IMF is willing to take a cheque.