Prince William To Use HMS Invincible As A Bottle Opener

PRINCE William has been given permission to use the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible as a bottle opener at his summer barbecues.

The Prince will install the 194m long, 22,000 tonne vessel in the grounds of Highgrove House, just in time for his 26th birthday party at the end of June.

Once in position, next to the barbecue patio, Invincible will be fitted with a small, standard issue bottle opener on the starboard side, below the water line.

It is the latest military asset to be loaned to the young Prince, whose late night, RAF Tornado 'fag runs' have become a fixture on London's Fulham Road.

The Prince has been keen to involve the armed forces in every area of his life and has already replaced his bed in Clarence House with a complex assembly of 12 lance corporals from the Queen's Royal Hussars.

Meanwhile the dining chairs in his central London apartments are volunteers from the Brigade of Ghurkas, squatting on their haunches for up to 16 hours without a break.

Military expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: "These Ghurkas leave their villages in Nepal and hike through the Himalayas for a week to reach the recruiting office in Katmandu where they sign up to become dining chairs for the future King of England."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "It's all standard practice. Last year more than 500 officers completed their flight training by piloting a Chinook helicopter to London, picking up their brother and then flying it to a stag do on the Isle of Wight."

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Birmingham Is Ghastly, Says Travel Writer Who’s Been There

THE city of Birmingham and its inhabitants are so ugly they make your eyes boil, a travel writer who has actually been there said last night.

Tom Logan, an editor for the Lovely Planet series, said he had written approvingly of the city's renaissance after reading glowing reviews in a number of rival publications.

Logan said he had been impressed by the city centre canals, continental-style cafes and top class shopping, including its distinctive architect designed Selfridges.

However, after actually visiting the city one day by accident, he realised it was utterly ghastly while the local population was visually repellent and virtually incomprehensible.

Logan said: "I am a travel writer, so naturally I don't tend to get out much. As a profession we are very much tied to the desk.

"But you can't just cut and paste stuff out of the other books and put it in your own. No, you have to jumble all the words up first and then put them in your own. That takes time."

He added: "I only wanted to go to High Wycombe but I fell asleep on the train. The Venice of the Midlands? Only if Venice looks and smells like a gigantic shit.

"And what does 'yow want cheeps, cock' mean? Is it something to do with fried potatoes or are they asking me to touch their privates?"