ANDY Burnham is reaching across the aisle to create a cabinet of the best possible talents from across the indie spectrum. 

The incoming prime minister is negotiating with luminaries including Guy Chadwick from The House of Love and Andy Bell from Ride about taking key posts so he truly has the greatest assemblage of fringes that Britain has to offer.

He said: “For too long we’ve had prime ministers too easily swayed by fashion and smooth words. I would never have appointed Peter Mandelson ambassador to the US when Luke Haines of The Auteurs was available.

“I’ve got the brooding stare and black-framed glasses of a natural frontman, but I’m not egotistical enough to believe I can do it alone. I need back-up. That’s why Marr’s in as chancellor and Lee Mavers is foreign secretary. If his name’s not familiar, educate yourself.

“Kevin Shields and his wall of reverb are in defence. The Weddoes are on agriculture, where they’ll get the recognition they deserve. Women and equalities I’ve pencilled in Wendy James, though she’s got a tour of mid-sized provincial venues to finish first.

“Rural affairs? Hmm. Has anyone got a number for Bogshed?”