THE indestructible train network that has made Britain famous since the days of Empire has finally been undone by today’s terrible heat.
The UK’s ever-reliable rail infrastructure and punctual rolling stock, which since Queen Victoria’s day has not lost so much as a second’s time in a century, has at last succumbed to the punishing temperature blanketing the country.
Commuter Martin Bishop said: “Mark this day, for at last we see the end of Britain’s era as a world power. The sun has set upon our greatness. The trains are late.
“Indeed, some are not only late but cancelled. For the first time in memory and the annals of history, a passenger may arrive at the station to find his service not running at all.
“Climate change we may disregard. The true tragedy here is that the last bastion of British prestige has crumbled. With no incumbent James Bond, Doctor Who or prime minister, our stalwart trains were all we had left.”
Fellow passenger Nikki Hollis said: “This is an omen comparable to the ravens leaving the Tower of London. If our dependable rail networks have fallen then it’s only a matter of time before these isles sink beneath the waves of the Atlantic.
“I know you’re thinking surely not Southern Rail? Surely their stalwart lines are still running with their renowned clockwork efficiency? Sadly, despite offering excellent value for money, even them.”
