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Right. I'm buying a wind turbine

GAS is rising. Diesel’s already unaffordable. The time has come for me to install a 249ft wind turbine in the garden of my new build.

Solar panels? For wimps. I might have been forced against my will to go green, but I’m not being wet and environmental about it. Besides, the sun never shines in this bloody country, apart from now but you get my point.

No, it’s a wind turbine, and if it’s going to power my gaff it’s going to have to be a f**king big one. There’s not a room without at least a 55-inch telly and we don’t turn them off.

Plus there’s three Range Rover Evoques – mine, the wife’s and the one for our 14-year-old to grow into – which are all going to have to go electric. They’ll be a serious drain, especially as we plan to leave them idling 24/7 once it’s free.

The garden’s not large, as I say it’s a new build, but we should be able to squeeze it in between the summerhouse, the decking, the hot tub and the brick pizza oven. Most of it’s height after all.

And as luck would have it I know a few of the lads who’ve been installing them and they’ll do it for mates’ rates. Can’t get me one that’s fallen off the back of a lorry though. Broken Britain.

Should be up by summer and I’ve told the neighbours they can piss off. You don’t need planning permission if it’s green, do you? And the blades are only 144 feet so they’ll easily clear the roofs.

Bollocks to Iran, Qatar and the whole Middle East. They’ve had enough of my money. I’m going self-sufficient in a big way. And if local kids shin up it trying to scrump my amperage I’ll be out here with a bloody cricket bat.

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Six scientific reasons you're far more attractive than you look in photos

CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right – photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.

Photos distort your face’s natural thinness

Does your face look fatter and wider than you expected in a photo? This is just a quirk of perspective, and when you’re photographed from a higher angle your face reveals its true, slender nature. Try it, and always make sure you’re sitting down when you’re talking to someone you’re hoping to shag.

Fluorescent light temporarily causes wrinkles 

Harsh fluorescent lighting is full of toxic photons, and when these hit your skin it instantly contracts to stop them getting inside you, temporarily causing ‘wrinkles’ you don’t really have. All those broken blood vessels and old acne scars aren’t really there too.

You’re often bigger due to food

If you appear to be quite overweight in a photo but you know you can’t be that porky, it’s because you’re full of food, stupid! You may think the photo wasn’t taken just after a meal, but digestion isn’t an exact science. Your enzymes might be taking longer over that extra-large doner and chips you ate days ago because it’s so tasty. A good big shit and you’ll look exactly like Dua Lipa again.

Your attractiveness physically alters with the light level

Not many people realise our body undergoes big physical changes depending on the light. In bright light the atoms in your face rearrange themselves to be less appealing and your stomach gets much larger, which is an evolutionary trait to deter predators. If you don’t believe you’re actually changing shape, look at yourself in a mirror in a dimly-lit room. See? You’re surprisingly fit.

Flash photography does not exist in nature

Pictures taken with a camera flash can make you look erroneously greasy and fat-faced. But there is no known species of animal or plant that has a smartphone LED flash anywhere in its body. Therefore photos taken with a flash are totally unnatural and can be ignored.

Photos don’t have a mirror effect 

Mirrors are a more accurate image of yourself than a photo. Some people might say it’s the other way round, but if you weigh up the empirical evidence what are you going to trust? A few snaps hastily taken on holiday or at a party, or the literally thousands of times you’ve looked in a mirror? You know what you look like, so Lucy’s photos from your night out can f**k off.

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