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Stop hosting bird orgies, says RSPB

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has urged Britain to ban filthy avian sex parties in the sanctity of their gardens.

The charity warned that encouraging garden birds to feed and congregate at this time of year means encouraging depraved bird-on-bird bacchanals which spread disease.

A spokesman said: “We’re a country of bird-lovers. Unfortunately, that extends to supporting and promoting their healthy sexual expression.

“It doesn’t stop with fat balls. Once a table and all too often camera are in place, twitchers can’t resist putting out seed-flavoured lube and tiny leather harnesses to encourage the more adventurous species.

“Consequently we’re seeing a massive uptick in serious diseases like sparrow gonorrhoea, hard to treat because they keep flying away before finishing their course of antibiotics.

“Responsible garden-owners can help these sexually-rapacious beasts by putting out bird condoms, available in all good garden centres, and discouraging incompatible birds from copulation. A little sign saying ‘more tit-on-tit action please’ can work wonders.

“We wouldn’t want our birds to turn into nuns. Where’s the fun in that?”

Bird-lover Francesca Johnson said: “I know all too well how bad STIs can get. But we have to accept, from the singing alone, that chaffinches are nothing but raddled old whores.”

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Greggs, B&M, a flat-roofed pub: where to take tourists to see the real Britain

FORGET Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. If you want to show tourists what Britain is really like, take them to these places:

Greggs

Tourists are likely to be unaware of our true national cuisine. Show them proper British grub by queuing up for a so-so sausage roll or a molten steakbake. You’ll be spoilt for choice as every street in Britain appears to have three branches, all waiting to serve you soggy potato wedges at an admittedly excellent price.

Poundland

As well as sounding like an actual country to confuse parochial Americans, Poundland has a wow factor in the sheer randomness of things on sale that mostly cost a quid, from multipack crisps to superglue via Hot Wheels and incontinence pads. Steel yourself though, as even a quick visit will bring back painful memories of the far superior Woolworths.

Toby Carvery

Forget traditional English pubs with their fancy roast dinners. If someone wants to see the food that really fuels the nation, drag them to one of these soulless establishments with smelly carpets. When they’re not marvelling at dry, tasteless Yorkshire puddings simmering away under heat lamps, tourists will be able to observe families forced to eat here by the cost of living crisis. Primarily an educational, rather than culinary, experience.

B&M

Homebase is a polished fabrication of British life. But B&M, with its warehouse-like stores, depressed staff and garish lighting, offers a true insight into what living on this shitty little island feels like. It can also act as a highly cost-effective souvenir shop, with tourists able to pick up off-brand disinfectant and discounted dog treats. Family and friends back home will love to receive these as gifts.

CeX

Where better to get a taste of British culture than these dumping grounds of our greatest artistic achievements? Guarded by acne-ridden wardens, the treasures in CeX put the loot in the British Museum to shame. Tourists have likely watched Gavin & Stacey or Mr Bean on TV, so what could be more exciting than seeing the DVD boxsets in person?

A flat-roofed pub

Community establishments are back in fashion, so now’s the perfect time to see which locals-only place will despise you most. After necking generic lager and an unpleasant vinegary snack of cockles sold from a cooler box out the back, it’s time for the main event: painfully out-of-tune karaoke that will cause the bloke at the fruity to kick off. Be sure your tourist friends embarrassingly take loads of photos of this wonder of the world.

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