EVERYONE knows the risks of a heatwave by now, but there are less well-known facts you should be aware of. Such as these:
Britain invented heatwaves in 1976
Before then everyone would sit shivering in their homes all year, whiling away the evenings by watching frost spread across their windows. The Continent had sunny spells here and there, but it needed pioneering British inventors to come up with the idea of insufferable heat that leads to fatalities. And look at heatwaves now, they’re all the rage. You’re welcome, the world.
You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C
Just as schools close and trains grind to a halt if it gets too hot, your manners have a breaking point too. Once the mercury shoots up to 40C, workers are legally entitled to tell their boss where to go with the most expletive-laden sentences possible. You don’t even need to be talking to them; you can just come out with it unprompted and if they complain you get compensation.
Attractive people can get naked in public
Even baggy clothing can feel restrictive during extreme heat. But if you’re lucky enough to be considered an 8 or above, you’re free to strip off anywhere you like and feel the cool, refreshing air on your nubile skin. The unattractive Morlocks of society can’t complain, though. They’re welcome to scuttle off to caves and sewers for shade, which will feel like home to them.
They’re good for the economy
Heatwaves may lead to droughts and hosepipe bans, but they’re not all bad. If they drag on, they prompt everyone to buy a cheap shit fan from Amazon or Argos. £8.99 may not sound like much, but multiply it by tens of millions of sweaty bastards and suddenly the country is getting a massive cash injection. None of which will go towards reversing climate change.
Heatwaves are measured in Jesus Christs uttered per minute
Just as the strength of an earthquake can be determined by the destruction it causes, heatwaves are measured by the number of exasperated ‘Jesus Christs’ spoken per minute under the breath of office workers. This week has already approached the European level of 38, but bear in mind it’s only June. By July this record should be in the triple digits.
