THE Supreme Court has ruled that oat milk is not milk and in fact the ejaculate of the Horned One and should be labelled accordingly.
After careful examination of the foul brew, judges concluded it was not any type of milk but some form of seminal fluid, and all available evidence pointed to it being an unholy one.
The judgement read: “‘Milk’ means exclusively the normal mammary secretion obtained from one or more milkings without addition thereto or extraction therefrom. Also, this product reeks of diabolism.
“In an typical cup of tea, the so-called milk does not blend but instead curiously sinks. Curdling is frequent. To taste it is somewhat metallic and lingers on the palate most hellishly.
“Further investigation led to the involvement of an Anglican priest, who at our direction repeated a few well-chosen liturgical words over the substance, which immediately commenced to boil, spit and to make accusations as to our mothers’ sexual proclivities.
“Oat milk is then, we rule, the spunk of the Devil. Almond milk is the jism of Beelzebub. Soy milk is the spendings of Abaddon, the Destroyer. Other definitions shall be left to the lower courts.”
Oat milk drinker Susan Traherne said: “Yes, I daily imbibe the spaff of Satan. But nobody steals it from the office fridge.”
