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Weed brownies, in contravention of all narrative law, eaten deliberately

A PLATE of cannabis-infused chocolate brownies have, in defiance of all narrative convention, been eaten by people who knew they had weed in and were fine with it. 

The group of housemates in their 20s made the brownies, set them out, explained to all present they had weed in and consumed them, leaving no opportunity for anyone entirely unaware to eat them and become unexpectedly high.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “Jesus, what were we thinking? These aren’t for those who want to get stoned and devour them accordingly. Where’s the humorous potential in that?

“No, we should have made them, put them in an unlabelled Tupperware and then all gone off to other tasks, leaving a complete stranger in our home to feel a bit peckish, find them, eat one and then go on a hilarious drug trip.

“After all, that’s what happens in The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Never Been Kissed, Starstruck, Schitt’s Creek, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, so what business have we got stopping it happening in real life?

“In our defence, we made the brownies because we wanted to get high. It was our weed, they were our brownies, that was the whole point. Not much of a defence, I know.”

Sylvia Tomlinson, Hannah’s 60-year-old mother, said: “That’s just selfish. I was going to unknowingly have three of those just before my big Christmas presentation to the Women’s Institute.”

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Six other Doctor Who monsters you would, if you're honest, shag

NEW Doctor Who spin-off The War Between the Land and the Sea centres around a man banging a Sea Devil. Fair enough, because you wouldn’t kick these out of bed: 

The Axons

Put off by the hideous, spaghetti-like form of these Jon Pertwee era monsters? Well, consider that these evil space parasites, when not trying to feast on Earth’s atmosphere, take on a very pleasing golden humanoid appearance. In a modern remake played by Aimee Lou Wood? You’d be all over them like a flannel.

Kroll

Stop being coy. Kroll may be a giant squid who terrorises the crew of a methane refinery on Delta Magna, but is that really more dodgy than the tentacle anime you pretend you haven’t watched? You need to stop being so superficial. Kroll is a tender soul, as online fan fiction about its threesome with the Doctor and Romana proves.

The Zygons

Sure, the thought of making love to a marrow-headed alien covered in suckers is repulsive at first, but they’re shapeshifters. A bunch of flowers and a request they shift into Salma Hayek for the evening? That’s an erotic adventure you won’t forget. David Tennant snogged one in Day of the Doctor, and he’s hot.

The Vervoids

A species of sentient plants from the Colin Baker years that achieve the difficult feat of looking like both a penis and a vagina at the same time, so there’s something for everyone. Yet to appear in the revived series, oddly as they’re the perfect vehicle for a story about intersex identities the writers would inevitably handle extremely badly.

The Ood

A peaceful race of telepathic drones whose only purpose is to please humanity? Perverts would pay a lot for that kind of dynamic. Ignore that the Ood were enslaved and have a tendency to be possessed by the actual devil himself, because it kind of kills the vibe when you lean in to kiss their vulvic, Lovecraftian mouths.

A Dalek

If it’s been long enough? The bumpy casings and stiff protuberances of a Dalek start to look like something you could shove up yourself. Don’t worry about the physical logistics of boning bonded polycarbide armour. Let it take the lead by elevating you up to the bedroom while screeching sweet ‘EXTERMINATES’ into your ear.

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