'Destroy our BBC, foreign power!' say patriots

TRUE British patriots who love their country and all it stands for are cheering on a foreign potentate’s attempt to loot it for billions. 

President Trump’s $5 billion lawsuit against the BBC is being welcomed by everyone who loves Britain and only hates its institutions, cherished traditions and about half its populace.

Norman Steele, who will never forgive the BBC for Lineker, said: “Come on, Trump. Soak those bastards for everything they’ve got, and by ‘those bastards’ I mean license-payers like myself.

“This is perfectly normal patriotic behaviour, to support an election-disputing leader who hates the free press in tearing down a treasured national broadcaster. Frankly I’d question the loyalty of anyone who didn’t.

“They literally changed the words coming out of his mouth. I mean they didn’t, there’s copious evidence they didn’t and he’s wrong, but nonetheless.”

79-year-old conspiracy theorist Susan Traherne agreed: “The BBC’s had a good run, but GB News is more than ready to take over. It’s unbiased, but from the right.

“At the very least I hope they learn their lesson, give him a few hundred million and stop bad-mouthing Vladimir Putin. It’s not his fault. He’s doing his best.”

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Boyfriend's sexts so much better now he uses ChatGPT

A MAN’S erotic texts have improved a hundredfold now he runs his sentiments through an large language model AI, his girlfriend has confirmed. 

While Josh Hudson, aged 29, used to send missives like ‘u got a fit arse’ and ‘wanna squeeze dem titties cos u got milk’, his AI-assisted texts contain poetic language, composed yearning and quasi-Shakespearean declarations of desire.

Girlfriend Sophie Rodriguez, aged 28, said: “Yesterday, he randomly texted ‘I ache for your presence with an ardour that defies the mere temporal plane’. Then he reminded me to pick up fish fingers. I was aroused in Lidl. Do you know how impossible that is?

“But the hotness of it is slightly ruined by it being a robot seducing me, and it does plagiarise. It’s not great thinking you’re reading a tantalising list of what he’d like to do to you then realising it’s lyrics by Ludacris.

“This morning he wrote that ‘your essence intoxicates my very soul’ and followed up that he wanted to ‘tear my dampened underthings asunder’. Where is Asunder? Is it near Kent? I don’t know but it sounds filthy.

“It also tends to hallucinate and invent things that don’t exist, like at the weekend when he said ‘I want to take you up your second, auxiliary, arsehole.’ Though from its perspective it would be good design to have a spare.”

Hudson said: “Sophie must prepare her body for a good ramming and not forget it’s bin day. Class that up for me, ChatGPT.”