DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide:
Wear inappropriate clothing
Shorts and summer dresses provide too much ventilation. To keep your mood simmering and the needle in the red wear a suit, jeans and leather jacket or even a woollen beanie. Layers are crucial, as is a heavy bag. One sweaty earbud slipping out and being stepped on completes the ensemble.
Avoid shade
Cool, shadowy areas are lethal for stifling whinges about the weather. Instead of sheltering under a tree, excavating a cave or going into Costa subject yourself to the full glare of the sun, ideally in an all-concrete environment. Refrain from drinking water lest it make you reasonable.
Neglect suncream
Suncream protects your skin from UV rays but you need to protect your UV rage. Retain your edge by getting a burn that hurts when even glanced at. A good one will keep you irate and can even outlast the heatwave itself, providing reservoirs of ire for overcast days.
Seek out heated environments
Temperatures in the high twenties can only push you so far. To really get a temper, frequent inhospitably hot environments like blast furnaces or a rail replacement buses with sealed windows. Even joining the fractious mob jostling for meal deals will have your nails dug into your palms.
Shake your fist at the sun
Staring directly at the sun while shaking your fist is an aggravating reminder of your impotence against its baleful eye. There’s nothing you do to stop this blinding bastard from torching you and it’s only going to get worse. Then, to relax, book a holiday in the Med where it will be 42 in August.
