NHS TRUST league tables have been published, so it’s never been easier to change your location to get the best medical care. Here’s what you should do:
Consult the league table
There’s no reason to compromise on quality, so pick a trust in the top three. Inform your family you’re moving to Northumbria, and ignore people who say it’s ridiculous to reduce hospitals to a numbered list. Explain it’s like the Top 40, where the number one is always the absolute best piece of music in existence that week.
Sell your house
Your house will go for the asking price as soon as the estate agent puts it in the window, so now all you need to do is choose a new one – there are loads online – and buy it. It’s even easier for renters, who can pack their few possessions in a rucksack and move stright into one of Britain’s many spacious, affordable flats with easygoing landlords.
Tell your children to say their farewells
It will be tough for your little ones to leave their friends, schools, relatives and their whole familiar world, but explain the importance of healthcare by listing all the health issues that could hit them: cancer, a stroke, a colostomy, Parkinson’s disease, anal prolapse, and so on. Bedtime is good for this.
Move to the other end of the country
Moving house? Easy: put your plates in boxes and the removal men do the rest. Expensive, but it’s a fraction of the earnings you’ll lose if an incompetent surgeon in a bottom-half NHS trust amputates your legs in error. Don’t drive the lorry yourself though, some of the postcodes you’ll go through could be very low in the rankings.
Get a new job
It’s easy to get a new role with a standard covering letter containing AI-friendly words like ‘proactive’ and ‘synergies’. In a worst-case scenario you may have to lower your salary expectations, but compare that to the quality of healthcare you’ll be receiving and you’ll be working your minimum wage nightshift with a smile.
Luxuriate in it
Now you’re settled in a top NHS trust, you need never worry about your health again. A broken tibia, a cardiac arrest, necrotising fasciitis? All minor issues for you. Why not take up smoking, or get hit by a bus to enjoy some real-life Holby City drama in your new A&E department when there’s nothing on telly?
Prepare for the 2026 league table
Next year there will be a new league table and if your trust has slipped down you’ll need to move again. But never mind, it was a breeze last time, so cheerfully fire up Zoopla again and look after your family’s health.
