CINEMAGOERS will soon discover that Wuthering Heights could be half as long with a nice happy ending if any character had basic common sense. Also true of these:
Snow White
Considering the Queen’s main goal in life is to kill Snow White, she does a shit job of it. The magic poisoned apple only puts her into a coma, so why not kill her permanently with a normal apple laced with cyanide? Or just brutally stab her to death? The Queen doesn’t care she’s in a Disney film.
Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff leaves Yorkshire – good call – when he overhears Catherine telling the housekeeper it would ‘degrade’ her to marry him, missing the rather important ‘I am Heathcliff’ bit afterwards. Considering Cathy shows every sign of loving him, he really needs to check this with her. Even if only to tell her she’s a two-faced cow.
The Lord of the Rings
It’s been said, but: giant eagles. That Gandalf is mates with. Fly the ring into Mordor? Or help Frodo and Sam with an escort of characters resistant to the Ring: Gandalf, Galadriel, other hobbits, etcetera. None are strictly needed at the diversionary attack on the Black Gate. Your arsehole boss in your office job would have organised this better.
Inception
Leo and his colleagues have dream-sharing technology, so ditch the dangerous industrial espionage and develop a consumer version. It might take a few years, but if Fortnite makes billions then how much more fun would it be to play in someone’s dream? A few teenagers might forget to eat and perish, but that’s good for the gene pool.
Pride and Prejudice
Another dense misunderstanding. Elizabeth believes Wickham’s bullshit about Darcy being a bastard to him in the past. They’re serious allegations you’d want to verify, but no. And has it not occurred to Lizzie that he may just be trying to f**k her?
Death of a Salesman
Willy Loman could avoid killing himself by getting a sense of perspective. He could take a lower-paid job closer to home or stop obsessing about his son Biff being a failure. He is, after all, only 34. Samuel L Jackson, Debbie Harry, and McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc didn’t find success until after then. Chill the f**k out, Willy.
The Aeneid
How hard is it to check a big wooden horse for Greeks? Was it not suspiciously heavy when pushed? Did it not carry the distinctive scent of a few hundred soldiers crammed into a shed? Was there no tell-tale trail of leaking urine? The ancients were half-wits, frankly, and the democracy they invented should be treated accordingly.
