THE NHS loves nothing more than to send you home with a little souvenir of your time with them lodged inside your body. What are you setting off metal detectors with?
Norman Steele, librarian: “A scalpel in my sternum. But to be fair they did give me a big ‘scalpel inside’ sticker to wear so I’m fine with it.”
Tony Logan, bus driver: “I’ve got an entire MRI scanner up there. ‘MRI Tony’ they call me at the pub. Sometimes for a laugh I use its missile effect to fire darts through the wall and into the landlord’s Vectra.”
Helen Archer, GP: “An entire hospital. Or at least in 2023 when I asked Boris Johnson where his promised new specialist care unit for our area was he said ‘up your fanny, you whore’.”
Nathan Muir, powerwash specialist: “Yeah, I’m furious, they left this oversized Bell’s Whiskey bottle lodged in my arse. That’s why I’m here at midnight in A&E demanding it be removed.”
Stephen Malley, personal trainer: “Nothing. F**king hell, are other people coming out with free stuff? Bastards.”
