PRINCE William has confided in the tabloid press that he misses his grandmother because unlike his father, brother and Britain, she had a high opinion of him. 

The heir to the throne, who recently pissed off even his Windsor ultras by closing their car park, has admitted he longs for the unconditional love of the late Queen who never told him to pick his arse up and do more engagements.

He continued: “If Grandma were still here, she would not berate me for slacking off like my father does. Words like ‘can you and the clothes horse open a f**king library once in a blue f**king moon’ would never pass her regal lips.

“She would smile, offer me a cup of tea, and ask me how the children were in that special, comforting way she had, covering for not remembering their names. Now that’s gone.

“Instead I have to deal with my father telling me if I don’t sign up for an official tour of Mozambique then he’ll bring bloody Harry back to do it because at least he puts in a shift, which hurts.

“My grandmother did not judge. She understood that for every afternoon working I need at least a fortnight off. She would never have questioned Kate retiring to bed for the rest of the year to recover from making conversation with Trump.”

He added: “Also I’m told missing her makes me relatable. Is it working? No, please don’t speak, it’s offensive. Show of hands.”