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Day two of state visit: Coach trip to the Jorvik Viking Centre

ON day two of president Trump’s state visit to the UK, he and his party are boarding a coach for a trip to York’s Jorvik Viking Centre.

Trump and his entourage were instructed to meet on the driveway of Windsor Castle no later than 8.50am with their packed lunches to get on the coach which will take them to the historic city.

Keir Starmer, who organised the trip, said: “If you are not on time the coach will leave without you. And yes, that includes you, US secretary of state Marco Rubio.

“We then have a leisurely trip up the M1, taking in such traditionally British sights as Leicester Forest East services and the magnificent cooling towers of the Ratcliffe-on-Soar power station, currently being decommissioned.

“We arrive in York, there’s a brief stop for lunch on the picnic benches before we enjoy the sights, sounds and even the smells of the Viking era. Yes, this state-of-the-art attraction has the very aromas of life more than a thousand years ago.

“After that there will be a window to buy souvenirs from the gift shop and then an hour and 40 minutes to roam York, visiting the Minster, the historic city walls and the Shambles medieval street which inspired Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter series.”

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, a member of the US party, then put his hand up and said: “Please sir, he’s wet himself.”

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How to blame your cheating on the Strictly curse: A guide for boyfriends

ARE you not connected to Strictly Come Dancing in any way but need to find an excuse for your infidelity? Pin it on the popular BBC series with this guide.

You felt pressured into cheating

You know how it is. You turn on the TV or read the news and you’re bombarded with details of hot Strictly shagging. Seeing sordid snaps of Seann Walsh and Matt Di Angelo hooking up with their dance partners puts you under enormous pressure to imitate their behaviour. If anything your partner should be grateful that you avoided the glare of the media by shagging the relatively low-profile Emma from your work’s HR department.

You were just getting into the spirit of the show

Your girlfriend has been nagging you to watch Strictly with them for years, and now you’ve really got into it they’re upset and threatening to leave you? It’s all a bit rich. They should be happy you’ve paid such close attention to the show that you’ve decided to follow in the contestants’ footsteps. What else were you meant to do, take your partner to tango lessons? That doesn’t sound anywhere near as fun.

Supernatural powers are impossible to resist

The Strictly curse is arcane magick dating back to the ancient era of 2004. Scientists and academics still don’t understand the mysterious phenomenon, whereby hapless celebrities are somehow attracted to the lithe bodies of dance partners they’re forced to work with at close quarters for months on end. If you’d resisted this powerful spell it might have unleashed more dark forces, so you were acting in everyone’s best interests by going along with it every other weekend in a Travelodge.

Celebrities endorsed your behaviour

To begin with you thought that cheating was unacceptable. But once you saw the likes of Ben Cohen and Ricky Whittle shagging behind their partners’ backs, you decided to continue with a clean conscience. How were you to know that famous people can set a bad example? Don’t they realise that nobodies like you imitate their actions blindly? Surely Ofcom would have stepped in if they were doing something wrong?

It can lead to true love

It’s typical of your partner to focus on the negatives. Yes, you had sex with their hot friend in secret for months, but as the Strictly curse has shown, gut-wrenching infidelity can be the start of a wholesome love story. Rachel Riley and Joe Suggs have found their forever person via the Strictly curse, so if your girlfriend really cared for you they’d set you free to follow your heart like them.

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