'Fire experts and replace them with podcasters': More of Trump's advice to Starmer

19th September 2025

LIKE a simpleminded Daily Express reader, Trump advised Starmer to use the military to stop asylum seekers. He also proffered the following advice:

‘Blow up the boats’

I just started blowing up boats, and I love it. The military does all the hard work of finding a boat, then all you have to do is give the kill order and watch the action. There’s no evidence left after so you can say they’re drug smugglers and nobody can prove you’re lying.

‘Fire the experts’

Experts are inconvenient. They tell you you’re doubling the national deficit, that vaccines are effective, that ‘gravity doesn’t work that way’. Fire them all – you can use my catchphrase ‘You’re fired’, we’re buddies – and hire podcasters and TV presenters who like you instead. If they have lunatic belief systems, that’s an advantage.

‘Sue the Daily Mail for £15 billion’

You don’t like it and it’s printing lies about you? Sue. Use the teenager who once ran a pro-Starmer Twitter account who you just put in charge of Ofcom to threaten them. Drive them out of business and mock their journalists personally on social media. Have Sarah Vine deported. If they like Trump’s ideas, they’ll love this.

‘Get your own private police force’

Mine’s called ICE and they’re officially dealing with immigration, but they’re masked, accountable to nobody and do whatever they like. One word from me, they’re arresting a whole street and shipping them off to countries they never even visited. Useful for disposing of political enemies.

‘Send soldiers to Conservative cities’

‘I sure love the military. They have to follow your orders! So send them into any constituency that’s giving you trouble, whether it’s Clacton or the Cotswolds, and put them standing around holding guns on corners. Gets people used to it for when you need to call off elections, which is an idea for the future.

‘Threaten at will’

Finally, never skimp on threats. Whether it’s withdrawing broadcast licences or requesting neighbouring countries hand their sovereignty over to you, I find you can’t beat a casual threat. Who knows if you’ll go through with it? Keeps them trembling. Oh, and if you want to execute Nigel, I understand. Hell, make it a state affair like this and I’ll come along.

How to make your teenager the twattiest fresher in halls: A checklist

19th September 2025

IT’S almost freshers’ week, and as a parent you’ll want to ensure your child is suitably twattish as a student. Here’s how to give them the best start at uni.

Get them a hat

Hats are the quickest and easiest way to look like a twat as a student. Trilbies, beanie hats, rastacaps and anything a Sherpa would wear are all good, and of course the classic flat cap. If it’s twattish enough for Guy Ritchie, it’s twattish enough for your child.

Ensure they join the worst clubs and societies

During freshers’ week get them to sign up to social pariah groups like the Christian Union and Tabletop Gaming Soc, not forgetting the university debating society. How could what is basically formalised showing-off in the company of arseholes like Jacob Rees-Mogg be anything other than twattish?

Sit down and discuss twattish hairstyles

No shortage of options here: dyeing their hair a stupid colour, getting an asymmetric shave, white boy dreads. Just whatever looks shit, really. Don’t take them to the hairdresser there and then, though. They should arrive at their halls of residence looking completely normal then suddenly completely change their image with weird clothes and manky blue hair. That makes them much more of a twat.

Buy them condoms

There’s nothing more depressing than a stash of unused condoms, so ensure your child has at least 60 as a painful reminder they’re at uni but not getting laid. It’s unlikely anyone else will see them, but they’ll certainly feel like a twat when they look back years later and remember all the shagging they were expecting to do but didn’t.

Help them pretend to be from a rough area

For some reason, middle-class freshers always compete to be more ‘street’, and your teenager will need to join in. Help them memorise their ‘hardest’ anecdotes – maybe a friend was vaguely threatened in a local pub, or someone was expelled from their school for minor drug dealing. It’s pathetic, but it might impress boarding school pupils who only have tales of raiding the tuck shop.

Encourage them to be horribly middle-class

Instead of going down the fake street cred road, get your child to look like a twat by being horribly privileged and unaware of it. If you’re pretty wealthy, encourage them to think skiing trips, £15,000-a-term schools and private tutors are completely normal and average. When your darling daughter asks another fresher ‘So what’s your horse called?’ it will go down in legend.

Pay for a piercing

Any youngster adopting a clichéd ‘alternative’ look will want a piercing, and luckily there are plenty of bad choices. Perhaps a septum ring with two balls resembling antennae? When it looks as if there’s something trying to trying to crawl out of your nose no one will question your credentials as a twat.

Teach them to roll badly

Being able to roll a decent joint isn’t that amazing a skill, but does look cool at uni. Obviously you don’t want this for your teen, so teach them to do it badly, creating sagging paper tubes that go up like a zeppelin. When they’re sitting in halls passing round a collapsing, unsmokeable joint shedding big lumps of resin, they definitely will look like a twat.