Subscribe

I'm the star, and five other Trump boasts about the Epstein files

CONGRESS has voted to release the Epstein files, and the commander-in-chief cannot wait for the public to read it. He explains his self-aggrandising reasons:

It’s the most exciting epic you’ll read all year

Most books are boring words on boring paper. This one though, it’s got everything. A tropical island, a mystery spanning decades, a cast of celebrities. We’ve held off publishing it for so long to make sure it’s perfect which takes a while when it’s 20,000 pages of gripping legal documents. I own the movie rights.

I’m the star

Everything is better for Trump being in it. Government coups, steak adverts, hush-money accusations, you name it. I’m proud to be the star of this story because otherwise it risks being a dreary tale about some depressed financier who kills himself in prison. But with me at the heart of it you know you’re in for a good time.

It’s full of famous names

I’m a gracious, generous guy unafraid to share the spotlight, and so you’ll be meeting an incredible cast including Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Noam Chomsky, David Blaine and a literal who’s who of Wall Street financiers in the late 1990s. A-list all the way.

There’s glamorous girls on every page

In fact they’re crucial to the plot. We all know sex sells in advertising, but the same goes for highly-sensitive evidence. Without the promise of steamy encounters the Epstein files wouldn’t grab anyone’s attention, but I can guarantee it’s full of them. I don’t want to give away the twist ending about these girls, but trust me when I say it’ll stick with you forever.

It’s destined for the big screen

No denying it’s captured the public imagination, so the big screen is the next step. The tale of a humble property tycoon who stumbled into a paradise of underage girls but, realising the whole thing was built on rotten foundations, tore it down, saved them and was elected president. We did some rewrites on the third act.

It will unite America like never before

Our once-great country has been ravaged by Crooked Hillary and the Biden Crime Family. Releasing the Epstein files will let us all come together, read the same story, and feel as one. Everyone, no matter if they’re rich or poor, black or white, Democrat or Republican, has united to read these documents, and I think that’s beautiful.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your profession, and what swearword describes you

YOU’VE put in the hours, done the groundwork and become a member of Britain’s professional class. But are you a twat accountant, arsehole doctor or wanker journalist?

Knobhead solicitor

You got a law degree but didn’t put in the effort to be a barrister with a wig and instead settled for a long, lucrative career half-heartedly dealing with house purchases. Whether not bothering telling anyone you haven’t received the paperwork, receiving the paperwork and doing nothing with it or not answering the phone, you’ve inconvenienced so many.

Twat accountant

‘I can add up,’ you realised, and your career plans ended there. Setting up a little shop, you unenthusiastically do the accounts of the self-employed, safe in the knowledge that if the taxman comes for them all you did was advise so won’t be in the shit. A byword for boredom, even your own family brighten when you leave the room.

Prick teacher

The great thing about teaching is everyone already hates one, so you’ve a selection of despicable stereotypes ready to be slipped into. Failed footballer PE teacher who takes it out on the kids? Supercilious English teacher who’ll never write that novel? Biology teacher who lingers on the human reproductive system? Or, simply, maths sadist?

Arsehole doctor

The key characteristic of an arsehole doctor is impatience with all these bloody patients expecting you to do your job. Whether ill child or moaning pensioner, you were bored of them before they came in and are waiting for the conversational trigger to dismiss their complaint as nothing and send them home to take aspirin. Then you can play golf.

Bellend civil servant

Went to Oxbridge? There’s so much that can be done with that. You didn’t, though, instead scuttling straight back under the skirts of the nanny state for the only job-for-life still going. The only risks are being bullied by Priti Patel or being forced to wear a monocle by Jacob Rees-Mogg, but you waited – your key skill – and they were gone.

Wanker journalist

The nation hates you, you hide behind a reputation for crusading truth when your actual job is collating demented tweets about what a bitch Meghan is, and you don’t even get paid as much as any of the above. But you get to direct hate wherever you please and get free shit from desperate PRs, and that’s enough for you.

Next story ›