STUNNED the world by admitting to being a love rat while collecting bronze for the 20km individual biathlon? Fantastic honesty, but save it for these times:
Immediately afterwards
Cheating is wrong even if you’re really good at skiing and, while on skis, shooting. But rather than waiting until you’re on a podium before apologising, why not confess immediately? In private? Just the two of you, together? Though wait until you’ve actually finished sex with whoever you’re cheating with. Mid-act will only make it worse.
During couples counselling
Don’t let the bland name fool you. Couples counselling is a thunderdome of emotional torment where your innermost demons are exposed at an exorbitant hourly rate. It is, however, ideal for admitting you shagged someone else and, conversely, an absolutely terrible location to receive an internationally recognised sporting award.
In court
Whether testifying or on trial, you cannot tell lies in court. So revealing you’re a cheater may surprise to the jury but is fully in keeping with the time and place. But if you’re making this shocking admission while a witness in a case of driving without due care and attention to which it is not in the least relevant, the judge may order it removed from the record.
At the altar
Unless you’re in a cheap soap opera – think Emmerdale, Hollyoaks or worse – then up at the altar, about to be married, is an absurd location to inform your girlfriend you’re still having sex with your ex. The courteous leave that to the ex, who is on the back pew in a wedding dress waiting for her moment and now you’ve spoiled it.
Never
Some lies should be taken to the grave, and cheating on the love of your life – even if, like in the case of medallist Sturla Holm Laegreid, you’d only been with her six months – should be one of them. Allow the guilt to eat away at your soul and spur you on to try and escape it and maybe you’ll win f**king gold next time.
Any time or place that isn’t international TV
A rule that should have been drummed in during media training. The Winter Olympics is watched worldwide, meaning anything you say on camera will be all you’re famous for forever. If it’s bizarrely cringe it’ll go viral and, 60 years hence, be the first line in your obituary. Also she’s not going to take you back for this, you Nordic freak.
