NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.
In the second phase of Operation Moshtarak British home makeover experts will help insurgents to unlock the potential of their hideouts, giving them a top-quality living environment with enhanced marketability.
Brigadier Julian Cook said: "The key to winning hearts and minds in Helmand lies in showing people a better life is possible via the strategic deployment of downlighters.
"The low standard of interiors in much of the country has created an environment where the people feel they have no option but to use improvised explosives because they haven't got a pleasant lounge in which they can just chill with a decent red and a Groove Armada CD."
Following the push into Taliban strongholds, experts including Linda Barker and Kirstie Allsop will move in with fabric swatches, shabby chic sideboards and, crucially, a selection of great ideas.
A NATO spokesman said: "Amazingly, there is no word in Pashtun for 'buy-to-let', which is probably why they stick to making their money from smack.
"But once the ordinary Taliban fighter has seen Linda transform a dowdy hideout into a 'mocca chocca' lifestyle complex with characterful reclaimed timber shelves and deep natural hues, he will soon be clamouring to maximise the liveability of his property, be it a cave, a trench or a semi-exposed rocky outcrop with a lovely view that's close to a really good abandoned school."