Taliban To Be Wooed With Property Makeovers

NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.

In the second phase of Operation Moshtarak British home makeover experts will help insurgents to unlock the potential of their hideouts, giving them a top-quality living environment with enhanced marketability.

Brigadier Julian Cook said: "The key to winning hearts and minds in Helmand lies in showing people a better life is possible via the strategic deployment of downlighters.

"The low standard of interiors in much of the country has created an environment where the people feel they have no option but to use improvised explosives because they haven't got a pleasant lounge in which they can just chill with a decent red and a Groove Armada CD."

Following the push into Taliban strongholds, experts including Linda Barker and Kirstie Allsop will move in with fabric swatches, shabby chic sideboards and, crucially, a selection of great ideas.

A NATO spokesman said: "Amazingly, there is no word in Pashtun for 'buy-to-let', which is  probably why they stick to making their money from smack.

"But once the ordinary Taliban fighter has seen Linda transform a dowdy hideout into a 'mocca chocca' lifestyle complex with characterful reclaimed timber shelves and deep natural hues, he will soon be clamouring to maximise the liveability of his property, be it a cave, a trench or a semi-exposed rocky outcrop with a lovely view that's close to a really good abandoned school."


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Poor People Having Brilliant Sex, Say Experts

POOR people are having hours of glorious, acrobatic sex, unencumbered by the nuisance of condoms, it emerged last night.

Amid new research into how ill-fitting condoms are reducing the pleasure of intercourse, experts said the quickest route to enjoyable sex is to be poor and not care about anything.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Most poor people would not know the difference between a Durex Featherlite and an aircraft carrier.

"Instead they exist in a state of blissful, contraceptive ignorance, almost as if the outside world is contained within a latex sheath that prevents facts from getting through and impregnating their brain with knowledge that will eventually lead to the birth of a tiny little thought.

"This leaves them free to have hours of fantastic intercourse in a range of exciting positions, up to and including the very special one that simply cannot result in a baby."

He added: "Nevertheless the skank, or skankette, will invariably conceive, typically once every nine to 12 months, meanwhile her sex partner is having yet more magnificent, uninhibited coitus with all of her soon-to-be-impregnated friends.

"In this sexual utopia no-one complains about condoms that are too tight or too baggy, they simply focus their energies on high-quality rutting interrupted only by skunk breaks and the tedious instructions of an angry midwife.

"And of course in the midst of this seemingly endless banquet of thundering orgasms, the absolute best bit is, you're paying the bill.

"Anyway, have a nice day at work."