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Who is Mojtaba Khamenei? Quick, find out before he gets killed

IRAN has appointed Mojtaba Khamenei as their new Supreme Leader, but who is he and can you get to the end of this article explaining it before it becomes irrelevant? 

The son of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who you only learned wasn’t the one who issued the Salman Rushdie fatwah when he died last week, Mojtaba Khamenei has largely kept a low profile which is handy for the reader trying to learn all about him against a deadline.

He fought against Iraq when they were the good guys and Iran were the bad guys, useful you’ve haven’t got time to think about that too much, and studied religion which will hopefully prove a comfort to him in these, his final days.

Controversy about whether Iran’s leader should be chosen for his religious standing rather than hereditary succession is expected to die down shortly along with its subject.

Accused of interfering in elections, which unlike his US counterpart Trump isn’t expected to be an issue long-term, Mojtaba is expected to be named Ayatollah in short order and to join his father as a martyr shortly after that.

He has never given any public speeches or interviews, a policy which observers do not expect to change in the limited time available, so 90 per cent of this article will remain unchanged in his obituary.

His leadership record is and will remain largely untested, and his hope of finding who is leaking his location to Israel intelligence is expected to end mid-sentence.

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Iggy Pop, Blink-182 and other musicians who thought they'd perform cocks-out

THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked: 

Iggy Pop

Aged 78, Iggy still eschews the shirt for his shows, though usually now wears the trousers he considered a mere option in his wild 70s days. As leathery as a velociraptor, as lithe as knotted rope, at least he no longer feels the urge to bleed for his audience, who are all men decades younger and far grosser naked than he is.

Blink-182

Even did it on video for What’s My Age Again, which is a bold move for a band who also have a single called All the Small Things. Very much the cuddly nude punks streaking across your lawn who you know have solid grades and kind parents. Still perform; no longer perform naked because their balls now hang too low.

GG Allin 

Whose nude body was hands down the least offensive thing about his shows. Also prone to self-mutilation and evacuating his bowels on stage, GG’s huge, swinging bell-end was light relief after watching him bash himself in the head repeatedly with the microphone. The rare performer for whom nudity is only the start.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Got into the habit of playing encores with only socks on their cocks and while that may not technically be full nudity, it’s not as if a great deal is concealed. And Flea was totally nude during Woodstock II while it burned down in the background, like a modern Nero with a Modulus Funk Unlimited bass.

Green Day

Billie Joe Armstrong, keeping the true pointless-rebellion-achieving-nothing spirit of punk alive, came out nude to perform She and was then arrested at the side of the stage. Because by this stage punk was for 10-year-olds who like the rude words.

Rage Against The Machine

‘Is there anything we can’t make boringly political, guys?’ ‘What about good, honest nudity?’ ‘I’ll take that bet,’ said Zack Morello, who studied political science at Harvard, and the band opened Lollapalooza all naked with tape over their mouths in a protest about censorship. Then played no music on the grounds the crowd had had their money’s worth.

Janet Jackson 

Not in any way naked, but f**k did America freak out at the sighting of a nipple during the Superbowl in 2004 back when Republicans pretended to have moral standards. Ruined her career, obviously, but that’s what you get for being a woman and showing off a naughty bit.

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