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Who slashed the reflecting pool? The prime suspects in the addled mind of a senile president

WASHINGTON’S reflecting pool is being repeatedly attacked by saboteurs. Trump would never make unhinged allegations without evidence, so the following people are definitely guilty.

Joe Biden

It’s likely 83-year-old Biden donned dark clothing, evaded security and hacked a 350-foot slit in the thick, rubberised pool lining. The slit has got progressively longer in Trump’s accounts, so ‘Sleepy Joe’ clearly made several visits.

That guy in the red t-shirt

The man in question, Christian Miles, wasn’t seen damaging the pool, but he did swear at the police while being arrested, which all lawyers will agree is the same as a signed confession.

Barack Obama 

Obama is consumed by jealousy of Trump, who is smarter, more popular and not incontinent. The ex-president probably avoided being recognised by the many members of the public at the pool by wearing sunglasses. Being executed for treason would be a welcome end to him constantly projecting his own failings onto Trump in a transparent, pathetic way.

Bad Bunny 

The rapper is clearly bitter about Trump saying ‘Nobody understands a word this guy is saying’ after his all-Spanish Superbowl set. But it was another pinpoint-accurate criticism by the president: it is impossible to enjoy music if some of the words are unclear.

A journalist 

A reporter was seen reaching into the green water and touching an area of lining that was flapping about. This professional journalist then ignored the risk to his well-paid TV career and vandalised the pool to get the same story he had just filmed.

The radical left

This shadowy movement opposes Trump so often and in so many locations it is impossible to arrest an actual member. As Trump has explained, they are highly organised and have vast resources, which they use to make neat placards for demonstrations. Therefore it is likely they used their cash and know-how to evade the pool’s 24/7 surveillance by wearing invisible stealth suits.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy 

Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s mission in life is to steal money from America and wage war on his long-suffering neighbour Putin. His ungrateful vandalism of the reflecting pool is clear evidence that all aid to Ukraine must stop. And be given to Russia.

Melania

Tragically, Trump has realised that the beautiful wife he worshipped for decades may be a scheming whore trying to blame him for her friendship with Epstein. Why would she vandalise the pool? So she could claim it was blue and gaslight Donald into doubting his superb mental faculties.

Hillary Clinton

As someone with no qualms about sucking adrenochrome out of babies in Satanic rituals, gouging a huge hole in America’s most beautiful monument would not trouble ‘Killary’. Being 78 years old would present no obstacle because she would simply use witchcraft.

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You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C, and other little-known heatwave facts

EVERYONE knows the risks of a heatwave by now, but there are less well-known facts you should be aware of. Such as these:

Britain invented heatwaves in 1976

Before then everyone would sit shivering in their homes all year, whiling away the evenings by watching frost spread across their windows. The Continent had sunny spells here and there, but it needed pioneering British inventors to come up with the idea of insufferable heat that leads to fatalities. And look at heatwaves now, they’re all the rage. You’re welcome, the world.

You can tell your boss to f**k off if it hits 40C

Just as schools close and trains grind to a halt if it gets too hot, your manners have a breaking point too. Once the mercury shoots up to 40C, workers are legally entitled to tell their boss where to go with the most expletive-laden sentences possible. You don’t even need to be talking to them; you can just come out with it unprompted and if they complain you get compensation.

Attractive people can get naked in public

Even baggy clothing can feel restrictive during extreme heat. But if you’re lucky enough to be considered an 8 or above, you’re free to strip off anywhere you like and feel the cool, refreshing air on your nubile skin. The unattractive Morlocks of society can’t complain, though. They’re welcome to scuttle off to caves and sewers for shade, which will feel like home to them.

They’re good for the economy

Heatwaves may lead to droughts and hosepipe bans, but they’re not all bad. If they drag on, they prompt everyone to buy a cheap shit fan from Amazon or Argos. £8.99 may not sound like much, but multiply it by tens of millions of sweaty bastards and suddenly the country is getting a massive cash injection. None of which will go towards reversing climate change.

Heatwaves are measured in Jesus Christs uttered per minute

Just as the strength of an earthquake can be determined by the destruction it causes, heatwaves are measured by the number of exasperated ‘Jesus Christs’ spoken per minute under the breath of office workers. This week has already approached the European level of 38, but bear in mind it’s only June. By July this record should be in the triple digits.

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