EVERY adult in Bristol is part of a citywide non-monogamous relationship with everyone else, it has emerged.
Ruling traditional monogamous partnerships to be fascism, Bristol’s progressive population of roughly half a million has collectively entered into an open relationship reaching from Clifton to Bedminster.
Lauren Hewitt from Redland said: “It started off as a difficult conversation between a few couples outside the Arnolfini, but now we’re all happily in on it.
“From bus drivers to council workers, from Massive Attack to Carla Denyer, we’re all sexually, romantically and emotionally involved with one another in infinite variations. I think the last monogamous dinosaur was shamed into exile in 2023.
“Why else do you think the city is so laid back? We’re all gamely shagging each other on an endless rotation without an iota of jealousy or a moment’s worry about commitment. Also we’re near the coast and have a lovely zoo.”
Joshua Hudson from Brislington said: “It’s a lot of fun but a lot of admin. Scheduling a date in a pop-up cereal board game cafe while keeping track of 500,000 diaries is a nightmare, and we’ve lost track which of us is Banksy.
“We’re all on the apps if you fancy joining in, but if you’re not 420 friendly or escaping from London, don’t bother swiping on us. We’re not your type.”
