DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.
Suppliers of illicit substances have been looking forward to the boost in trade for months, but have reported disappointing returns as delegates avoid the conference floor to sink into narcotic oblivion in their rooms.
Nathan Muir said: “Normally I can’t shift amphetamines fast enough because all the young Tories want to be up working on policy until 4am, like Thatcher.
“Even last year I was punting MDMA to true blue believers trying to recapture the soaring euphoric highs and the crushing comedown lows of the Truss fiscal event.
“This year? It’s all about numbing yourself and dissociating, which is why I was out of ketamine on day one. You can’t snort enough cocaine to get yourself through a Chris Philp speech. You’d have to be face down in the mound.
“I’ve got a stock of crystal meth, which makes you feel energised, hyperintelligent, and suffer grandiose delusions of effortless superiority, so that’s been bulk-bought by Kemi. Otherwise it’s smack all the way.”
Conservative delegate Margaret Gerving said: “What I really want to get high on is pure, uncut nationalism, but Nige has locked up distribution.”
