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Dad ticking off holiday activities with ruthless efficiency

A DAD on a family holiday is ticking off activities with the cold, mechanical precision of a minor Gestapo official, it has emerged.

40-year-old Martin Bishop arrived at Center Parcs on Saturday and has already completed 14 pre-booked activities including archery, canoeing, pottery painting and a relaxed family bike ride that ended with the children being reprimanded for slowing everyone down.

Wife Jo said: “Martin’s made a spreadsheet with time slots that are colour-coded depending on the category of relaxing activity. It’s updated daily.

“It has a column for equipment required and key deliverables but no space left for joy, spontaneity or even unscheduled toilet breaks. Last night I asked a question and he referred me to Google Drive.

“This morning he’s already asked the kids if they thought he’d brought them on holiday to laze around all day. Yesterday he told them they hadn’t smiled enough in the five permitted photos for each activity and would not be getting puddings.

“The only satisfaction he shows is a tiny smile as he crosses activities off the list, and even that’s as brief as our scheduled lovemaking. Anyway I must go, we’re only allowed 17 minutes for lunch.”

Martin said: “I’ll be glad when this holiday’s out of the way. The good thing about Centre Parcs is it costs as much as a fortnight for a week. Saves a lot of time.”

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How often do you masturbate in the average week? 

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