CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country:
Denmark: sex
As newly discovered by the media, the Danish are incredible at sex! When not building Lego or pig-farming, both of which are very sexy occupations, every Danish person spends at least five hours a day locked in fulfilling sexual congress. Oh, aren’t they just wonderful with their ørgåsms. Don’t you wish you were like them.
Norway: being warm in front of a fire
You might think you, as a resident of a cold country used to wearing layers, are equally as good at passively absorbing warmth as a Norwegian, but you’d be wrong. They’re Scandinavian and they bring a refined glamour to it which you, living on this parochial island, could never imagine. Also they wear a chic cable-knit and you wear a fleece.
Germany: burping the house
Over in Germany they do this wonderful, wonderful thing called ‘burping the house’ where they open all the windows first thing in the morning so the air can circulate, and so they never have damp! What? Isn’t the house freezing? Irrelevant. What if it’s raining? Don’t be small-minded. Just revel in the wisdom of our continental betters.
France: drinking wine
And France, of course, are the masters of drinking wine. They don’t drink to oblivion like foolish, benighted Brits. Instead they order a simple vin blanc with lunch, a vin rouge with dinner, a pastis at a café, a cognac in the evening. Ignore that they have the highest number of deaths from alcohol in Europe. They’re so fantastically civilised!
Italy: eating
You think you know how to eat? What, just because you shove edible items into your face and metabolise them? That’s cute. No, you know nothing of how to eat, not compared to the Italians for whom eating is life, art and beauty. From olive oil to pasta to olive oil again, they’re so superior that you really shouldn’t eat at all if you can’t do it with their passione.
Spain: sex again
So hot-blooded, so alive, so fiery; how could they not excel? Compared to you pale abominations who cannot remove even a sock without giggling in embarrassment, the Latin lover is a god. Also, they’re better at dancing, football, the tango, writing Don Quixote, eating, drinking wine, being warm and probably ventilation too. You really are pathetically British.
