ENJOYING the cold, wet, dark weather? No? Then at least attempt to use the supposed romance of autumn to get into someone’s pants with these tactics:
Flirty pumpkin carving
A one-on-one pumpkin carving is the opening scene of a horror film, so this is unfortunately a group activity. Carving intertwined lovehearts is a winner; carving a big cock-and-balls is direct. Avoid inviting a love rival with genuine artistic flair, or everyone will coo over their intricate masterpiece while you’re cucked by your shit pumpkin that looks like John Prescott.
Say ‘Fallen leaves do so put me in mind of Keats’
It’s crucial to memorise a couple of lines like ‘Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness’ in preparation, to be casually tossed off while strolling past scarlet-and-golden trees. Otherwise you’ll be challenged on which poem and have to mumble: ‘Leaves, leaves, red and brown, lovely and crisp on the ground.’
Host a mulled wine tasting
What better way to assemble a pool of potential shags with reduced inhibitions? Cheap, because nobody can tell it’s Aldi’s £3.99 Grapevine Merlot when it’s hot, and ideal for inviting her to share your blanket. Just don’t boil off the alcohol, or you’ll have spent all night drinking something that tastes like mummified mouse for no reason.
Do bullshit with marshmallows
Toasting marshmallows or putting them in a mug of hot chocolate is cosy and autumnal and can only work in your favour in terms of procuring sex. It’s horribly American but there’s no British equivalent, unless you try winning favour someone with chunks of black pudding in a mug of Bovril.
Go on a forest walk
Everyone agrees autumn walks are deeply romantic. Having been to sparse British woodlands with dogshit baubles hanging from every tree, you’re less sure but willing to try anything. And if she’s up for sex after being subjected to soaking drizzle, oily mud all over her trainers and losing the path necessitating a crawl under barbed wire, marry her.
Watch a horror movie
It’s the season for spooky cinema, and being scared together will be a delightful bonding experience. Be warned – many people have a surprisingly low tolerance for it. Sex is unlikely to be forthcoming if he’s never been so genuinely terrified in his life and is showing early symptoms of PTSD. Wuss.
Say ‘Of course, nights get shorter due to the Earth’s axial tilt’
Learning a mildly impressive scientific fact about autumn is seductive if she’s that way inclined. Hopefully, inquiries will end there and she’ll never find out you confused which out of Apollo 13 and Armageddon was the real one.
