STILL spanking one out at 50? Concerned the frequency of your solo self-abuse is not age appropriate? Our quiz will tell you whether to throttle back or push ever onwards:
How often do you masturbate in the average week?
A) Twice a day minimum, so 14 times? Actually make it 20 including weekends. Upwards of that if I discover a particularly juicy clip online.
B) Since the break-up, about five times a week, making up for a two-year relationship dry spell. That’s normal, isn’t it, to take the occasional day off?
C) Once, religiously, on a Saturday morning to make sure the pipes are clear and everything’s still functioning. It’s unlikely I’ll need it, but you never know.
How long does each session last?
A) I try to draw it out, but you’re still looking at maybe 180 seconds from flop to pop. It’s like a bus, there’ll be another two along in 30 minutes.
B) A bracing ten minutes, including a mid-period interval of self-recrimination when thoughts of my ex break in and I attempt to banish them before giving in and having him rail me on the Titanic foredeck.
C) I use the kitchen timer to make sure it’s no less than 20 minutes. I can’t be sitting around wanking all day. I’ve got bets to put on.
How often do you have sex?
A) I mean I’d like to, but it’s hard to find a gap between the wanking. And it’s not like I can lay off.
B) Currently I don’t. Also when I was in a relationship I largely didn’t. Beginning of the relationship, maybe twice a week in a good week when he wasn’t too wrecked to get it up?
C) I find your question indecorous.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Fine if you’re of voting age up to your mid-20s, but it’s worth thinking about acquiring a second hobby if only to have something to discuss on dates and in job interviews. If you’re older, cut back. Way, way back.
Mostly Bs: The first flush of youth has departed, as has your ex, and your masturbation is appropriate for a career-minded individual juggling multiple streaming subscriptions. Younger? You could step it up a bit. Older? Isn’t it time you grew up?
Mostly Cs: You’re in the later stages of life and your genitals are no longer the source of fascination they once were, replaced by Midsomer Murders. Younger? Wank more. It’s free, you know.
