The middle class family's guide to why the crisis is worse for them

ARE you a self-obsessed middle class family? Here’s how to let everyone know that the coronavirus crisis has been worse for you than anyone else.

Your garden isn’t nice enough

Spending so much time in your massive garden has exposed its many flaws. There’s a bit that’s completely overgrown and the patio needs a heater. Tell people about this at length – you’re too self-absorbed to realise they are secretly thinking ‘tossers’.

Dinner parties are off

You can’t try that Yotam Ottolenghi recipe and, more importantly, get shitfaced in a socially acceptable way. You could try a Zoom dinner party, but everyone will just be showing off about their own food. The government should provide specially-adapted hazmat suits that allow dinner party guests to eat and drink safely. Say this as a serious suggestion.

Josh and Emily may not get into Oxford

Lockdown means your children probably won’t get the A-level grades needed for their Oxford college of choice. Their lives are effectively over and the kindest thing you could do is shoot them like knackered old horses.

Your partner is becoming unbearable in lockdown

Maybe Stephen has shown a dark side to his personality with his mild irritation about frustrating Zoom meetings. Or Annabelle just sits in her pyjamas watching Doctors all day. You definitely will need counselling after this because your relationship is in Hell. 

You are trapped in a cultural wasteland

Lockdown has ended improving activities like visits to museums, and also your occasional trips to the theatre, at which you get surprisingly pissed so it’s basically going to the pub but with a bit of Pinter. Inform bored friends that BBC4 has been ‘a lifesaver’. 

How are your children going to learn to ski?

With foreign holidays suspended, how will your kids get in enough hours to become proficient skiers? The UK death toll is currently 33,000 and counting, but this pales into insignificance compared to your piste-based woes.

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Nicest person you know would punch you square in the face for a cold pint right now

THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.

After conversations with thousands of wonderful, kind-hearted people, experts have found that every single one of them would chin you without a moment’s hesitation to get to a beer.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies explained: “Lockdown has functioned as a fascinating sociological experiment.

“We’ve seen such a tremendous outpouring of community spirit and yet our research shows that, without exception, whether your local food bank volunteer or your nan, would break your nose for an ice-cold pint in a beer garden.

“And not even good beers. We’ve seen graphically violent thoughts at the prospect of even a Carling.”

31-year-old Tom Logan confirmed: “I’ve spent lockdown making life better for those in need, mainly picking up shopping for old folk.

“They’re wonderful, sweet people. But I would push every single one of them into the sea without a second’s regret for a proper Guinness.”