IS A man in your life gazing at Wayne Rooney and Rob Brydon with naked envy? Always on websites with a particular follicular bent? These are the stages to watch for:
Aggressive combing
First comes mild subterfuge, as the remaining frontmost strands creep longer and longer and begin to be styled dramatically in patterns similar to weather reports of a hurricane. He’s growing it out, he’ll say, it’s no big deal, while carefully gauging wind speed to see if it’s safe to leave the office and hiding from rain as if he owes it money.
Big hat era
Whether a beanies, a baseball caps, or a dubious fedora that makes him look like a Bugsy Malone extra, no headwear is left untried in his attempt to convince himself that yeah, all he has to do is wear this for the rest of his life and nobody will know. Before long, gatherings of guys in their late 30s start to look like the Innocent smoothie fridge in winter.
Off-season trip to Turkey
A fortnight in Turkey, in October? Suspicious. You later find his girlfriend didn’t go? Even more so. It can only mean he’s taken the plunge for the low, low price of hoping the clinic meets minimal medical standards and allows him to make eye contact with his reflection again. Sees nobody on flying home. Posts no photos.
Pub avoidance
As the scars fade and the new hairs bed in, you’ll be able to tell because you won’t see him. Whether Friday pub, Saturday pub, watching football in the pub on Sunday or a cheeky Wednesday pub visit, he’ll let you down because he’s shunning society to scab and shed like an emo snake. The transplanted hair is taking root. Where did it come from? Best not to ask.
Soft launch
The presence of extra hair begins to be teased like a new partner or bougie doughnut, as strands start to poke out. Hats may even be removed when indoors. He’s sprouting like the cress head you grew at primary school, and he’s got the shit-eating grin to match. The payoff is here, and it’s spectacular.
Cock of the walk
His forehead is now an impenetrable shield wall of lustrous locks, which he shake like a show pony at every opportunity. The physical results are positive but his personality has taken a hit as he obsessively lords it over the baldies who were once his kin. Instagram pics multiply at an exponential rate. His Tinder bio removes ten years from his age, no actually 15.
