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We ask you: who can we get rid of by making them Britain's ambassador to the US?

THE UK’s embassy in Washington has a vacant slot and there are plenty of Britons we could do without. Who are you nominating? 

Maggie Gerving, retired: “Great, I’ve been waiting for this, Phoebe Waller-Bridge. She’s always over there, she’s a parody of Englishness, and frankly she needs a purpose in life.”

Norman Steele, art dealer: “Rupert Tice. Just to see the look on Farage’s face.”

Donna Sheridan, northern region accounts auditor: “Guys. If we all nominate Garry then he goes to Washington DC and we get a new manager who’s not an utter dickweed.”

Denys Finch Hatton, Oxford don: “With a question like this, we’re really asking: who would get the most value possible from diplomatic immunity across the whole United States? The answer being Shaun Ryder and Bez.”

Nathan Muir, desk sergeant: “Same as I always do for any of these. Boaty McBoatface.”

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Petrol still most reasonably-priced thing at service stations

DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford. 

A litre of unleaded from RoadTheft now currently costs an average of 164.08p, 235.02 less than a Mars Duo and 435.02 less than a Traditional Cornish Horse Perineum Gutster’s Pasty.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “However remorselessly oil multinationals sodomise the motorist, it’s nothing compared to the blobs of evil, treacly filth that operate the nation’s motorway rest stops.

“The total lack of competition gives these febrile hell-pits peddling the shittest of shit the right to charge prices that, at first, are taken for hallucinations.

“They’re so intensely and viciously levied they’re the only place foul enough for WH Smith to still thrive – them, train stations and bloody airports.”

Emma Bradford said: “I left my son at the pick ’n’ mix unsupervised. His selection cost £289.83 for three sickly bananas, a few shrimp and a littering of Smarties.”

A spokesperson for the Wealthy Break motorway services chain said: “Any issues with individual outlets can be addressed to the manager, whose contact number and gormless, dead-eyed face is clearly advertised by the bogs.”

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