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Brave Western man determined to fight for his Asian fetish

A BRITISH man with a passion for Japanese women has proclaimed that he will campaign tirelessly for his human right to fetishise. 

Amid criticism of white men obsessed with East Asian women, 30-year-old Tom Logan has described himself as ‘the Rosa Parks of having a type’ and sworn ‘never to surrender to intolerance of anime’.

Logan said: “Throughout history, men of courage have suffered for the right to love across boundaries. From the Stonewall riots to me getting ghosted on Hinge, it’s all part of the same struggle.

“Just because every woman I’ve ever fancied has been Korean, Chinese, Japanese or Thai, people call me a chaser. It is actually rooted in a deep appreciation of Asian culture. The history, the K-pop, the kimchi. Is that a crime?

“It’s not a fetish, it’s a cultural exchange to promote understanding between continents. Conducted on forums about who’s the hottest in Blackpink.

“People act like I’m objectifying Asian women when I see them as complete human beings. Tiny, flawless, permanently giggling human beings who read manga, never age and like sex under a Dragon Ball Z duvet cover.

“The backlash is driven by racist Western women, bitterly insisting real-life Japanese ladies don’t have giant eyes, school uniforms and magical powers. A man can’t even move to another continent to pursue a dream anymore.

“I will not bow down. Except when greeting Japanese girls as that is an established part of local etiquette and will make them fancy me.”

Friend Oliver O’Connor said: “Most British men disappoint women in one country. Tom has committed himself to doing it on an international scale.”

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Backpacker finds himself two hours into gap year

A 20-YEAR-OLD taking a gap year to find who he really is has inconveniently done so in a service station on the way to the airport. 

Tom Booker’s plan to travel the world immersing himself in the philosophy and culture of exotic, and coincidentally cheap and sunny, countries was derailed when he suffered a sudden epiphany in a Burger King overlooking the M1.

He said: “I was expecting to find enlightenment on Ayahuasca in the Peruvian jungle or meditating with monks or whatever. Not staring at a promotional poster for Toy Story 5 Whopper Meals.

“But I realised that who I am, deep down, is an uninteresting British man who even at Angkor Wat would wish he was on his phone, and I came to peace with that.

“I told my dad I was cancelling my ticket and spending the year in my room instead and he must have had the same epiphany as me, given the deep, heavy sigh of happiness he let out.”

Booker plans to spend 12 months on the sofa eating chips, which being in a yurt dodging dengue fever and shitting into a bucket would have made impossible, and will spend the money saved on buying a really big television and noise-cancelling headphones.

Booker said: “The Buddha spent decades searching for nirvana but I realised I want to do sod all with my life in less time than it takes to watch an Avengers film, so who’s the idiot?”

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