THE government’s new Fuel Finder scheme will send drivers rushing about for cheaper petrol to save a breathtaking £40 a year. Here’s how to let it take over your life:
Be in a constant state of readiness to buy petrol
Local petrol prices will be updated constantly so watch price comparison apps obsessively. As soon as you see a price drop, race to the petrol station and fill your tank before it rises again, even if it’s 3am. Ensure you never miss a petrol bargain by sleeping in your car with the engine running.
Maximise your savings
Available savings could be quite small, for example 1p a litre, so you’ll need to optimise your petrol purchases. Pack your car with jerry cans which you can fill with petrol in case a juicy 30p saving is on offer. Remove the rear seats if you need to. And as you’ll be driving around in a 600-litre Molotov cocktail, invest in a fire extinguisher.
Pull out of any engagement at a second’s notice
Whether the theatre, a romantic meal, or vital life-saving heart surgery, warn everyone involved that if the Texaco drops diesel by 2p you are out of there, no comebacks. Your partner may find it odd when sex ends with an app notification beep and a sprint for the door, but this is about cheaper petrol. If she loves you, she’ll understand.
Budget according to Fuel Finder
The savings you make from cheaper petrol could amount to a stunning 77p a week. Factor that into your weekly shop and treat your kids to an extra head of Asda broccoli. However, be prepared to economise if costs have risen locally. Tell your wife to put those tampons back.
Compete with other drivers
Other drivers will descend on the cheapest petrol stations, and you don’t want to find prices have gone back up while you were in a 40-car queue. Swap your family saloon for an offroad SUV with bull bars to shunt other cars out of your way. If the police get involved, explain it’s a government-approved scheme and that will be the end of it.
Plan your life around it
What if fuel falls from £1.36 to £1.33 when you’re best man at a friend’s wedding? You’d never forgive yourself. So turn down all invitations to weddings, parents’ evenings, theme parks and funerals. Also resign from your job and sell your house. That way you can live wherever savings are greatest, like a true road warrior.
Remind yourself it’s worth it
You may begin to wonder whether devoting your life to minuscule savings on petrol is worth it, so avail yourself of the benefits. Go crazy with the hefty £3.08 you’re saving each month and treat yourself to a Grab Bag of Quavers. Not two, obviously. Then you’d be out of pocket.
