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Dog poo bag in hedge reminds woman of ex

A WOMAN has seen a a bag of canine excrement hanging in a hedge and instantly flashed back to her last relationship, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer’s mind was instantly propelled back to her three-year relationship with Tom Booker by the grey biodegradable bag heavy with stinking faeces, which she blames on whoever inconsiderately left it there.

She said: “Look at it. Offending all my senses at once and making me heave just like he did, by the end.

“I’d been doing so well avoiding thinking about him. I wasn’t triggered by walking past our old pubs, I watched Taskmaster without him, and I barely spend one evening a week going through our old WhatsApps. But that dog shit’s brought it all flooding back.

“Tom didn’t have a dog, but something about a discarded bag of foul shite swaying in the breeze is so like him. He also was subject to the laws of gravity and buffeted by wind, and he always loved doing simple chores badly.

“Maybe I should take a photo of it and send it to him? That would be a nice little reminder that I still think of him, can’t see him misinterpreting that.”

Booker said: “She’s got me all wrong. No way would I pick up dog shit.”

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'Iran could fire missiles at Britain' vs 'yeah right as if': the debate

THE country is locked in fevered debate between those warning Iran could launch missiles at the UK and those who have replied ‘Nah.’ Where do you stand? 

Iran could strike London tomorrow

This hostile Islamic theocracy has the missiles and the motive. It’s already fired them at Diego Garcia, which is as British as a Suffolk pub. We have no option but to join this war.

Serious? Where are you getting this from? 

Three weeks into the war, no European country willing to get involved, Trump soiling himself about the Strait of Hormuz, and suddenly there’s a big cross-hair over London? Come on, dude. You don’t have to fall for every bollocks claim.

We have no missile defences capable of stopping them

Unlike Israel, Britain has no Iron Dome. We would be defenceless against these attacks, no matter how limited the use of our airbases was. Sending in our warships is prudent.

Oh right, that would make them less likely to attack us would it

‘I see Britain’s joined the war. We won’t fire missiles at them, then.’ Sounds believable. And we’re not going to grow an Iron Dome just because we get belligerent. Also Israel’s Iron Dome appears to have a few holes in it.

They could launch a biological attack on London within 45 minutes

This desperate nation will stop at nothing. They’ve already attacked all their neighbours in the Middle East and we will be next.

Wow, serious 2002 vibes 

All of a sudden I feel like I’m down Camden when it was still cool. You do realise we’ve done this? With Iraq? Nobody believed it, we fought a war anyway, it was later proved to be the bullshit we knew it was? I feel that’s really hurting you here.

Oh no! My contact in Tehran says they’ve just launched a missile!

It’s coming, but Britain can still deflect it with the power of belief in this war! Join hands and chant ‘regime change’!

Chinny reckon

No it hasn’t. Nor is it going to. It’s alright, the war has devastated our entire way of life by putting 30p a litre on diesel, no missiles necessary. Thanks for doing your best to get us into a war with no purpose, no clear ending and no benefit to the UK though.

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