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Everything I did last week, by a man who was too busy to text her back

By Jack Browne, aged 33, who slid into her DMs first

Monday

Received text from Becky asking if I’d like to meet for drinks on Thursday, as discussed. Shagged her Saturday so not sure this is required. Requires serious thought, flow charts and consultation with confidantes for at least three days.

Went to pub with lads and spent two hours speculating about whether it’d be weirder to have tits where the arse is or an arse where the tits are. An arse where the tits are, obviously. Proud to have argued case effectively.

Tuesday

Quiet day so read a lot, though not new message from Becky. She’ll understand I’m putting my intellectual development first. No need to mention it was The Hunger Games again.

Wednesday

Becky again: ‘All good?’ Yes. But also no, because replying now would reveal that I had seen her earlier texts and ignored them. She’s making it weird now. This doesn’t bode well for her as relationship material.

Panicked at this phone-based assault, I turned off my iPhone and spent rest of evening staring at the ceiling, scrolling PornHub and pondering whether I should grow a moustache.

Thursday

Worked from home, which involved four hours of TikToks of men building log cabins with their bare hands. Another message from Becky: ‘If you’d prefer not to, that’s cool too’. Christ, what a controlling psycho.

Planned to reply after dinner. Ate dinner. Got distracted by a cat in the garden. I thought he had three legs but he actually didn’t.

Friday

Went clubbing with squad, got two girls’ numbers. At home watched Becky’s Instagram stories – to be fair, along with those of about 19 different OnlyFans models – which weren’t topless pics, like I’d hoped, but loads of weird quotes about ‘snakes’ in your life.

Does she have pet snakes? I didn’t notice. Posted on my Insta too – I mean, it’s not like Becky will be watching it obsessively for signs of life.

Saturday

Vaguely horny so texted Becky, in spirit of Christmas forgiveness. Spent ages composing it to cover my earlier lack of response and to mend the bridges in a thoughtful, caring way so she’ll blow me again. ‘Hey, what’s up? Sorry, been slammed with work. Yours later?’

Sunday

She’s not responded. Christ, what a bitch. I feel used and rejected.

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Do you have super flu, man flu, or Superman flu? A quiz

HAVE you been struck down with super flu, man flu, or a new mutant strain combining the two? Find out:

What are your symptoms?

A) High fever, chills, aching muscles, sore throat. Your standard flu spread of grievances.
B) Same as above, but while being constantly mocked by my wife and daughters for being ill.
C) Inability to fly, restricted heat vision, strong stabbing pains when exposed to Kryptonite.

Where do you think you caught your illness?

A) Could be anywhere. My diseased kids might have brought it home from school, although the very winter air is infected in my area.
B) As it’s a gender-specific illness, I assume I got it when down the pub watching the Arsenal game on Sky Sports while drinking lager.
C) Wait, I knew that door-to-door brush salesman in the bright red wig looked familiar! It was Lex Luthor!

How are other people treating you?

A) With care and sympathy. My boss has ordered me to stay at home on company pay, and my boyfriend is bringing me mugs of restorative Lemsip.
B) With unconcealed impatience and jokes about what a pathetic specimen of masculinity I am, alongside claims any woman as ill as I am would work a full day then prepare a three-course meal for her family.
C) Lois Lane is extremely suspicious because just as I’m ill, Clark Kent is also absent from work. I believe she is formulating an elaborate plan to expose my secret identity.

Have you had a flu jab?

A) It’s the prudent thing to do. However, it does on this occasion appear to have proved f**k all use.
B) I was going to, but then my wife, daughters, female boss at work and elderly mother all jeered at me for being a big baby afraid of man flu. So I did not.
C) No needle can penetrate my diamond hard skin. Professor Potter claimed he had an experimental syringe which would do the job, but the last time I trusted him I ended up as a Super-Gorilla for a week locked in Metropolis Zoo.

Are you resting and recovering?

A) Yes, I’m tucked up in bed like a human burrito and popping more pills than a 90s raver. I reckon I’ll be better in a week.
B) My complaints of severe illness have been laughed off by everyone so I’m working from home on a laptop between blackouts and bouts of vomiting. I may not live.
C) I wish. Earth is being attacked by the Superman Revenge Squad, consisting of aliens from Wexr II, and I’ve got to defeat them, convince Lois I’m not Clark Kent and stop the Moon colliding with Earth. I think I’ll need my dog’s help.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Relax, it’s just the super flu that’s doing the rounds. Continue to rest and drink plenty of fluids and you’ll be better in time for Christmas.

Mostly Bs: Oh dear, sounds like a terminal case of the dreaded man flu. The only remedy is to stop being a little bitch, man up, and power through. Christ you’re pathetic.

Mostly Cs: Sounds like you’ve contracted Superman flu. Losing your grip on reality and confusing yourself with the Man of Steel is a tell-tale sign of the disease’s delirium. Rest, stay away from Forbidden Planet for a few weeks, and you’ll be fine.

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