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Laziness, and other things women mistake for commitment

FINALLY met a guy without commitment issues? That can’t possibly be true. You must have mistaken one of these for willingness to swear lifelong monogamous devotion: 

Housing issues

Has he brought a backpack to the date, or worse a hobo’s bindle? Did he mention moving in before the starter? Is in a band? Then he’s of no fixed abode and fixing to move into yours, less to be with you every waking moment and more in the hope of a hot shower and no one fighting him for his tent outside Morrison’s.

Upcoming convalescence

‘No, we’re not moving too fast,’ he says, thinking of the date on his calendar marked ‘OPERATION must find carer!!’ He’d like you to move in, bringing your sexy nurse outfit, and look after him full-time until he recovers from the ligament damage he heroically suffered playing five-a-side. When he’s better, he’ll gratefully dump you.

Home cooking

Weddings are expensive, but more than 364 days of Deliveroo? Leaving out that one July day he does a barbecue. Paying upfront means having someone cook for him for the rest of his life and probably extending it by five years by keeping his fat fingers off the chips. Whether those years will be enjoyable for either party is debatable.

Sheer laziness

Finding a flat is hard, yours is nice, his mate Dave’s got a van. Easy decision. As a treat he’ll pay for Sky Sports. This may not be true love, but you’re familiar with one another’s sexual shortcomings. While he pretends to miss your hints about marriage, deep down he knows it’s less effort than all that swiping right and pretending to listen on dates.

Being a serial killer

Psychopaths favour living with spouses as it gives them an alibi if the police come sniffing around. He insists on a house with a garden? Does a lot of digging late at night? Ah well, it’ll do. And even if he does see other women, it’s never for long.

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The six stages of a man getting a hair transplant

IS A man in your life gazing at Wayne Rooney and Rob Brydon with naked envy? Always on websites with a particular follicular bent? These are the stages to watch for: 

Aggressive combing

First comes mild subterfuge, as the remaining frontmost strands creep longer and longer and begin to be styled dramatically in patterns similar to weather reports of a hurricane. He’s growing it out, he’ll say, it’s no big deal, while carefully gauging wind speed to see if it’s safe to leave the office and hiding from rain as if he owes it money.

Big hat era

Whether a beanies, a baseball caps, or a dubious fedora that makes him look like a Bugsy Malone extra, no headwear is left untried in his attempt to convince himself that yeah, all he has to do is wear this for the rest of his life and nobody will know. Before long, gatherings of guys in their late 30s start to look like the Innocent smoothie fridge in winter.

Off-season trip to Turkey

A fortnight in Turkey, in October? Suspicious. You later find his girlfriend didn’t go? Even more so. It can only mean he’s taken the plunge for the low, low price of hoping the clinic meets minimal medical standards and allows him to make eye contact with his reflection again. Sees nobody on flying home. Posts no photos.

Pub avoidance

As the scars fade and the new hairs bed in, you’ll be able to tell because you won’t see him. Whether Friday pub, Saturday pub, watching football in the pub on Sunday or a cheeky Wednesday pub visit, he’ll let you down because he’s shunning society to scab and shed like an emo snake. The transplanted hair is taking root. Where did it come from? Best not to ask.

Soft launch

The presence of extra hair begins to be teased like a new partner or bougie doughnut, as strands start to poke out. Hats may even be removed when indoors. He’s sprouting like the cress head you grew at primary school, and he’s got the shit-eating grin to match. The payoff is here, and it’s spectacular.

Cock of the walk

His forehead is now an impenetrable shield wall of lustrous locks, which he shake like a show pony at every opportunity. The physical results are positive but his personality has taken a hit as he obsessively lords it over the baldies who were once his kin. Instagram pics multiply at an exponential rate. His Tinder bio removes ten years from his age, no actually 15.

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