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Man's faithfulness assured by his sheer awfulness

A GIRLFRIEND is confident her boyfriend will never cheat on her thanks to no woman finding him in any way attractive. 

Hannah Tomlinson, 28, feels her relationship with Tom Logan, 30, is rock solid due to what she calls his ‘complete and utter lack of appeal to every other woman on the planet’. 

Tomlinson said: “I’m not saying Tom never would try to cheat, I’m saying he never could.

“I feel safe in the knowledge that he could try it on with hundreds of women and still remain true to me. How many men are as involuntarily loyal as that?

“Attractive, charismatic partners might stray because they get tempting offers. But a weird-looking guy like Tom whose hobbies are moaning about things and watching YouTube compilation videos of people failing to park? That’s lifelong fidelity right there, baby.

“What self-respecting woman is going to fancy a man who takes her to Pizza Express on her birthday and makes her pay for herself? Well, me, but I’m paranoid about being nearly 30.

“When we first started dating I’d lie awake in a state of panic about him falling for someone else. Then he’d fart so loudly it’d set off the car alarm and I’d go back to sleep. 

“People say to trust your partner and I do. But I trust women more.”

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Five shit leaving presents that show your colleagues never liked you

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

The cheapest bottle of Tesco wine

Warm. Cheap-looking label. Plonked onto your desk without the basic courtesy of being in a gift bag. It’s a clear sign your colleagues regard you with the same affection as the cleaner who shows up at 6pm. Less, in fact, because they at least give him an awkward nod because he does a good job. Unlike you.

A Colin the Caterpillar cake

In the world of office politics, Colin the Caterpillar cakes are reserved strictly for birthdays. Presenting one to a colleague as a leaving present is either an embarrassing error or a veiled insult. Whoever organised this gift knew exactly what they were doing, and that was sending a massive ‘f**k off’ in the shape of a chocolate roll. A chocolate roll they hope you choke on.

A tenner in a card

Cheap as well as thoughtless. There are a dozen people in your team, which means everyone chipped in less than a quid. And you’re fairly certain this is the same note you donated to Nikki from HR’s birthday present fund. At least you’re not a tenner down any more, but even a HMV gift card would have been better.

A pen from the stationery cupboard

A monogrammed fountain pen is up there with carriage clocks when it comes to well-meaning but rather old-fashioned leaving gifts. Being handed a biro from the stationery cupboard means your colleagues forgot you were leaving or simply couldn’t give a shit. If anything, your boss will be more upset to see a useful pen go than you.

A round of applause

This is a gesture of appreciation, not a gift. They’re probably clapping in an insincere way too, like at a school play or when someone drops a pint glass. If they look happy it’s only because they’re glad to wave you off. Don’t kid yourself they’re trying to put on a brave face, their happiness is genuine as they enjoy this glorious moment they’ve been waiting for for years.

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