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Michelle Mone, and other wanks who pose a moral dilemma

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

Michelle Mone

Michelle is awful; she cheated the public during a deadly epidemic then did everything she could to hang onto the cash. But she does look good in a swimsuit. If your conscience is struggling with this wank, remember she’s a Daily Mail favourite and visualise thousands of retired old gits tugging away at their ancient PCs. Your sexual urges will abate, possibly permanently.

Stalin

The young Joseph Stalin was undeniably hot. In the famous picture of him aged 23, his luxuriant hair and hipsterish neckerchief make him look as if he’d take you to a bar in Shoreditch rather than a gulag. Yes, a mass murderer who killed at least 10 million people isn’t an ideal sexual fantasy, but who hasn’t been embarrassingly besotted with someone because of their looks?

Karoline Leavitt

Pretty as a picture, but evil. Despite her cutesy appearance, Karoline is an unswerving Trump mouthpiece who repeats every lie no matter how blatant, deranged or racist. Can you live with ICE deportations and the Epstein cover-up on your wanking conscience? Hopefully not, but luckily Karoline looks a bit like non-evil actress Amy Adams, so just imagine her instead.

Pete Hegseth 

On a purely physical level, Pete is quite hot. He’s got chiselled good looks, clearly goes to the gym and even has some fashionable tattoos. Sure, he’s a total piece of shit on most other levels, but what man is without flaws? Some guys drone on about their job, some are selfish in bed, Pete is an alcoholic fascist lunatic who might tell the army to start massacring civilians. No one’s perfect. 

Leni Riefenstahl 

Former actress Leni was not only goodlooking but also quite arty and in great shape from all her skiing. So it’s really just this ‘ardent Nazi’ thing you have to get over. At the end of the day it’s just a wank, so maybe don’t beat yourself up about it. Although if you find yourself wanking over Eva Braun too you might want to take a good hard look at your political beliefs.

Kylo Ren 

Plenty of fangirls think it’s cute to fancy evil characters, especially if they look like buff Adam Driver. But attractive bad guys being fictional doesn’t give you a free wanking pass. Especially with Kylo. Imagine if you met a guy in real life who casually said: ‘I murdered my elderly dad and have a special chair I torture people in.’ That’s not a crush you’d be mentioning to your friends in the pub.

Melania Trump 

The first lady is on TV so much it’s hard not to have idly considered shagging her. But is she complicit in Trump’s reign of idiocy? Would your wank be tacit support for MAGA – and perhaps even racist? It’s a tricky one. Fortunately this is a self-resolving dilemma, because once you’ve been reminded of Donald, who increasingly resembles a bad-tempered whale carcass, a wank will be the last thing on your mind.

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During a date you're bored with, and other great times to say you support Reform

DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.

During a date you’re bored with

Have you somehow charmed someone into a date despite not feeling a spark yourself? You could always be honest and respectfully explain the situation, but that will be awkward. Instead drop how much you love Nigel Farage into the chat and watch them pull away on your behalf. Unless they hate migrants too, in which case just ghost them.

When a friend needs to feel better about themselves

It can be hard to know what to say when a friend opens up about being fired or dumped. There’s no practical advice you can offer, and sympathetic sighs are little consolation. So cheer them up by saying you support Reform. They’ll be reassured that no matter how badly their life is going, it’s still better than your new dismal political obsession.

If you’re trying to fit in at a flat-roofed pub

Strayed from your usual gentrified drinking hole into a rougher part of town? It can be hard to know how to ingratiate yourself with the locals. As well as avoiding asking for one of your poncey craft beers, loudly revealing that you love the political party of common sense should win them over. You may even find your new friends buying you a pint, or, better still, not stabbing you with a broken glass!

When you’re attempting to build a social media following

Social media can be a dispiriting place when your updates don’t get so much as a like from your dozen followers. But you’ll quickly make plenty of vocal, likeminded friends if you start posting about supporting Reform. Tagging the party in a picture of a painted roundabout with the caption ‘taking are country back’ will get plenty of interaction, and could even lead to a media career where you’re worshipped by nutjobs.

As you’re winding up your left-wing friends

Irritating left-leaning friends is cruel, but fun because it’s so easy. Their hope for a brighter future in the shape of Keir Starmer has come crashing down, so reminding them of Reform’s unwarranted success in the polls is a good place to start. If you really want to piss them off though, tell them you plan to vote for Reform in the next election. You’ll be treated to levels of liberal anger not seen since the Lib Dems tripled tuition fees. You may wish to retreat to a safe distance.

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