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Most women too shallow to date men over 60ft tall, survey finds

WOMEN are too superficial to date a man the size of a sperm whale, research has found. 

With many men already facing romantic rejection due to height issues, 96 per cent of women said they were unwilling to date an actual giant, citing reasons such as him being unable to live in a house and having to give birth to a refrigerator-sized baby.

62ft man Tom Logan said: “Women are quick to complain about beauty standards imposed on them, but apparently it’s fine to stereotype very tall men as monsters who steal cattle and terrorise villagers.

“It places me in a very difficult position. Every time I meet a woman on a date I can see her disappointment when she realises I lied about my height on my Hinge profile.

“When I explain I’m a giant they always say ‘Oh, like Jack and the Beanstalk’ and ask me to go ‘Fee fi fo fum’. You can’t believe how upsetting that is when I’m a real person with feelings and a successful career in banking.” 

One survey respondent claimed that the most important thing to her was a man’s personality, but quickly admitted she would never reply to the Instagram DMs of ‘a terrifying freak of nature who’ll just walk into a power line’. 

Of the four per cent of women who would consider dating a behemoth, all of them said being accidentally squished into bloody paste during lovemaking or simply going for a walk was better than most of their online dating experiences.

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Excuse me sir, yes you the foreign gentleman. Would you mind awfully triggering a summer of riots?

HELLO there! Yes, you seem to have skin of a shade that would suit our purposes. Could you do us an enormous favour and trigger a summer of riots?

Rioting seems bad? Well ordinarily yes, but only riots that are about the poll tax or unlawful police killings or suchlike. These riots are patriotic and wonderful, so we just need something to set them off.

What? Could be anything, dear boy, could be anything. A murder, a molestation, even just accidentally running into a few people in your car could be enough if it happens on the right estate. This country’s a tinderbox, you see, like we keep telling everyone?

So yes, if you could commit a crime we can sensationalise, that’ll set our lads off. You don’t even have to really commit it! Just be accused of it, arrested and if possible charged, and their limited imaginations, social media and Tommy Robinson will do the rest.

We’d do it ourselves only we need someone of your hue, you see. There’s nothing to gin up the mob about a white man murdering, or sexually assaulting, or running a grooming ring. That’s boring.

No, it doesn’t matter that you’re not an asylum seeker. Or a Muslim. Or that you’re a citizen of the UK as your parents are, running your own business and paying taxes. It’s only your race that matters for our purposes.

Which are? Well, our consortium of political and media interests believes a summer of riots will make Britain more sympathetic to right-wing causes. They’ll see thugs attacking police and attempting mass murder and think ‘I should be on their side.’ Won’t they?

Anyway, not your business, old chap. Now if you could go off and be accused of a vile act we’ll have it on all the front pages tomorrow and riots by teatime. Very good of you.

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