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Trusting girlfriend just wants to look through every message man has ever received or sent

A WOMAN who really believes her boyfriend is faithful just wants to innocently scour all of his communications, she has confirmed.

Hannah Tomlinson insists she does not suspect her boyfriend James Bates of cheating but wants to comprehensively go through his entire archive of texts, WhatsApp messages and emails going back to 2018 for fun.

She said: “I think it would be a wholesome bonding experience that will bring us even closer together. I’m surprised James has even the slightest misgivings about the idea. The innocent have nothing to hide.

“What could be more enjoyable than letting me read all of the silly messages he sends to his mates? I bet there are some hilarious memes they’ve exchanged I could get a giggle out of. Maybe he’s embarrassed that I’ll find all of the cute, loving things he’s said about me.

“I’m not naive. I know he has some women in his contacts, like his mum and his sister. But I’m not the jealous type, I just want to know who they all are, how they know each other, and see every word they’ve said to each other out of curiosity.

“And once we’ve done that we can trawl his social media DMs and his camera roll. Including the hidden folders. And then I can check them again on a weekly basis forever or until I dump him.”

Bates said: “I’d love to but my phone just did a big update that wiped all of its memory. Unlucky.”

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By-election to be seismic realignment of British politics if Reform or Greens win but unimportant if it's Labour

TODAY’S by-election in Gorton and Denton is to change British politics forever if Reform or the Greens win, but if Labour win does not matter.

The election of an MP you have not heard of in a place you have not heard of will change the country irrevocably, shattering the two-party consensus and rewriting the political rulebook, unless Labour hold the seat in which case it will be the next one.

Journalist Martin Bishop said: “A Reform win? The first wave of a turquoise tsunami. It means all Britain wants a total reversal of all post-1962 immigration, relaxed gun laws, corporation tax abolished and mandatory lunchtime drinking for men.

“A Green win? The first drop of an emerald rainstorm. It means all Britain wants uncontrolled immigration, a 150 per cent tax rate for billionaires, total legalisation of all classes of substance, the closing of the National Grid and mandatory beards for men.

“A Labour win? Starmer’s resignation is put off until May, pending further developments in the Mandelson case.

“A Conservative win? Have you lost your f**king senses?”

Gorton voter Steven Malley said: “Stopping fly-tipping is my big issue. So I thought I’d vote Green because they’re environmental, but then Paul down the pub says it’s immigrants doing it.”

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