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Woman on good date has no idea what happens next

A WOMAN who has met a man she does not immediately want to end her date with and never see again has no idea what her next steps should be.

Lauren Hewitt is in a state of paralysed confusion having finally gone on a date with a charismatic, respectful man who she could feasibly imagine introducing to her friends and family.

She said: “He went to the loo. I reflexively picked up my phone to text friends about what a dickhead he is, but came up blank. This is uncharted territory.

“My normal playbook of endure the date, give a shit hug, then block his number is completely useless. Am I supposed to go in for a kiss or ask him to move in with me? Even ChatGPT didn’t know.

“I’m getting this strange sensation too, not the sickening revulsion I normally feel when a date reveals his stepsister fetish or that he’s a big deal on the Andrew Tate subreddit. It’s kind of a warm, good feeling? I’ll have to get it checked out.

“I just need to figure out the logical next move. It’s either ask him if he’d like to see me again, or take off my shoe and bang it against my head. Is that what you do? Why couldn’t we hate each other like in a romcom?”

Date Oliver O’Connor said: “Yeah I’m not sure. At one point she laid her hand over mine for a few heart-skipping moments. That came across as clingy.”

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Lana Del Rey, and five other artists appropriated by right-wing fruitloops

THE right wing has no artists of any merit, and that makes them sad. Consequently they have decided they’re drafting these into their movement without consent: 

Lana Del Rey

Ignoring her large body of work in favour of slutting around while high, observers have decided that as now she’s married and releasing an album called Stove she has become a gingham-clad tradwife. Next: pumping out children, launching her own internet cooking show, and denouncing the loose of morals who disobey God’s will!

Kanye West

It says a lot about the right-leaning hunger for their own culture warriors that they saw Kanye’s behaviour from 2018 onwards and asked ‘Is this a lengthy, public and abhorrent mental breakdown, or is this guy on our side?’ and decided the latter. And in short order regretted it when he turned out to be so on their side he sold swastika T-shirts.

Kate Bush

Inexplicably praised Theresa May in 2016, at which point the left showed its diversity of opinion and tolerance of difference by agreeing she was an evil Nazi bitch. Attempts to frame a canon of songs about wafting around in woodland barefoot as traditional Tory values failed. Running Up That Hill was not about Thatcher’s triumph over the NUM.

Gary Barlow

Look. As Gary himself would point out in gravelly Northern tones, just because he’s boring and avoids tax, doesn’t mean he’s right wing. Yes, he once backed David Cameron and yes, he spent years bitter and angry at others for succeeding when he hadn’t but that doesn’t mean he’s right wing either, though it is their voter base.

Taylor Swift

White, blue eyes, vengeful toward anyone who’s wronged her: is it any wonder that online Nazis decided she was the heroine she needed? And that, in the absence of contradiction, left-wingers thought it would be fun to promote this? Then she descended from the mountain and reminded everyone the only cause she believes in is Taylor Swift.

Rob Halford

The ultimate macho man, done up in studded leather and growling about motorcycles with stylised screaming eagles on Judas Priest album covers, there was no way this icon of booted masculinity would let his fans down by being a liberal, right? Until it turns out he’s gay and that was gay iconography the whole time. Oh.

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