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Women disgusted by man's fatphobia asked when they last shagged a chubster

WOMEN horrified by a man who only fancies slim women have been asked when they last had sex with a fat person. 

Nathan Muir almost sparked a riot by admitting he is not interested in women above a size 12, only to silence the baying female mob by asking when they last banged someone with more chins than cheekbones.

Sophie Rodriguez said: “No, sorry, it’s different for us. Men usually go on top during sex, so we have to think about the health and safety aspects of letting two tonnes of fun lie on us. We could suffocate, so it’s a violence against women issue.

“And it’s actually not superficial but about personalities. Curvy girls are fun, bouncy and full of life, whereas everyone knows big guys are bitter, angry and just want to sit in their cars eating rotisserie chickens like Henry VIII.

“Women have endured centuries of men policing our bodies so it’s only fair that we get a go. Besides, being overweight is unhealthy, but especially so for men. Because of reasons. Scientific reasons.

“By friendzoning the whales we’re actually doing them a favour and encouraging them to adopt a healthier lifestyle. We’re like personal trainers. But without any shagging.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Overweight men often have great personalities, which is why women see them as friends or surrogate brothers. 

“And because they’re naturally jolly, they are totally cool with that.”

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The older man's guide to saying things in a grey area of creepiness

TRUMP has told Kate she is ‘beautiful, so beautiful’. Making uncomfortable comments to younger, uninterested women is a popular pastime for older men, so here’s how to go about it.

‘Have you got a boyfriend?’ 

Ambiguously creepy, as it might just be nosiness or could be a prelude to offering to step in. It also implies you can stop wasting your time on them if they are already the property of another male, a view women strangely find offensive.

‘Older men are more experienced’

Often just a bit of mindless sauciness, but unpacked it means: ‘Older men are better at sex, which would be a benefit of doing it with me.’ Whether this is true is highly debatable, but it doesn’t matter because no 25-year-old woman has ever thought: ‘Hmm, fractionally better sex definitely outweighs the paunch, bald patch, lower libido and wife and two kids.’  

‘You look great in that dress’

Firmly in the creepiness grey area. It could just be a casual flattering comment on a woman’s overall appearance, or it could mean that an older male colleague or acquaintance takes a close interest in their tits and arse. Hopefully not with the aid of hundreds of surreptitious photos on their phone.

‘If I was 20 years younger I’d go out with you myself’ 

This suggests that a younger woman would automatically date the older man when he was in his 20s, which misses out the ‘consent’ and ‘attraction’ elements that are good to have in a relationship. It also implies he was able to simply order women to go out with him in his youth, which is a lie unless you’re talking to Kim Jong Un.

‘You’re very beautiful’

This is the sort of bold compliment made by men who fancy themselves to be distinguished appreciators of beautiful women, ie. twats. But the main problem is that once you’ve explicitly said you find someone incredibly beautiful, from now on you may as well be wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Wanking over you frequently’. 

‘Has anyone ever told you you look like [insert actress]?’

Being compared to Scarlett Johansson or whoever is flattering, but it’s not as if men fantasise about a chaste evening of Monopoly with her. So it’s problematic once you think about it, but you get extra creepiness points for using a dated example like Raquel Welch then mansplaining who she is. 

‘You’re younger than my daughter’

Could be said in all innocence, but it’s a phrase that usually refers to banging someone much younger. So you’ve not only highlighted the fact that you’re way too old to go out with whoever you’re talking to, you’ve also made it incredibly creepy by mentioning your daughter. What woman could resist your suave older charms?

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