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You don't have to do the walk of shame: Reasons why a wank is better than a one-night stand

DESPERATE to get your rocks off? Here’s why a good wank is a lot less hassle than a one-night stand.

Breakfast won’t be awkward

Even if you ravenously fancied your one-night stand in the pub last night, there’s no way the morning won’t be awkward, because you’ve seen their genitals in great detail but can’t quite recall their name. There’s no way that will happen with masturbation. It’s hard to forget the name ‘Rampant Rabbit’.

You don’t have to do the walk of shame

Even if the sex isn’t a miserable disappointment, you’ve either got to get a stranger out of the house before your flatmate wakes up, or do the walk of shame back to your own house. No worries about that with a hand shandy, unless you’ve done it in a public place, in which case your walk of shame will be straight into a police cell.

You won’t bitterly regret it

Whether it’s because you’ve caught an STD or you’ve done it with your best mate’s ex, there are plenty of reasons you could end up regretting a one-night stand. However, there are zero consequences when it comes to having a wank, unless your mum walks in on you. Then you’ll have to go through the rigmarole of moving out and never seeing her again.

You won’t embarrass yourself

Too nervous to get it up? So pissed you were sick on him during a blowjob? There are myriad ways to be terrible in bed during a one-night stand, which is even more humiliating if you were hoping it would turn into something more. No chance of that with your hand. Unless it slips while holding your phone and you accidentally text the weird porn you’re watching to your boss.

You’ll be a lot more sexually satisfied

Even the most skilled lover will struggle to sexually satisfy someone they met outside a club toilet after sinking nine pints, so don’t bother going home with them. Get back to the safety of your own bedroom and frig yourself into heaven. Tomorrow you will be eternally grateful. Why not thank yourself for an amazing night?

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Six imaginary people who are absolutely delighted by Sunak's green U-turn

THE Conservatives’ new net zero targets are a huge hit with these people who do not exist but should:

Steve Malley, 42, planning to buy new diesel car in 2031

“Like most people I plan my car purchases at least eight years in advance and I never buy second-hand. Why would you? It’s like burning money. So the fact I’d not be able to get the diesel I was planning – I’ve also picked out the make, model and colour – properly vexed me. Thank God that worry’s over, unless Labour get in.

Norman Steele, 62, scared of bins

“They’re coming for us with their flappy lids. We should never have given them wheels. They trundle closer every night, lids gaping, ready to turn us all into rubbish. I only have three so I can just about fight them off, but with seven I’d be overwhelmed. Sunak has literally saved us all. Unless Labour get in.”

Eleanor Shaw, 28, concerned about her landlord’s energy efficiency costs

“My flat’s freezing in winter, so my landlord was going to have to insulate it from 2025. That’s been hanging over me because I know he’d just put the extra onto the rent, whereas currently it’s my choice whether to heat or not and that’s the kind of freedom the Tories are all for. I’m so lucky they’re fighting my corner.”

Carolyn Ryan, 36, confident gas prices will be stable forever

“I’m ever so fond of my gas boiler. I’ve put googly eyes on it and I call it Nadine. It’s due to break in exactly 13 years time – well you just know these things, don’t you, it’s like a sixth sense – and I didn’t want to replace it with a nasty heat pump because I like gas and I can’t imagine it ever going up in price, what with the world being so stable.”

Lucy Parry, 23, does not want strangers in her car

“Under Labour plans they deny exist, I wouldn’t have been allowed to make even the shortest journey without three strangers in my car. I’d have to take people to Asda who didn’t even want to go to Asda, picking up hitch-hikers would be mandatory, and I wouldn’t be able to choose my own tunes. That’s fascism like the Nazis.”

Joseph Turner, 48, helicopter pilot

“For the hard-working commercial helicopter pilot this is fantastic news. I make a solid living flying this little millionaire bloke around the UK and it bloody burns fuel so anything putting off all the green shit’s good news for me. Mind you it’s only postponing the inevitable because there’s no way the short-arse will win an election.”

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