Big car to do 1,000mph for no f**king reason whatsoever

SOME people have designed a car that will reach 1,000mph for absolutely no reason.

It is claimed the car will help the motor industry develop new technologies even though that is obviously bullshit and they are just doing it to show off.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Okay, so it does a thousand miles per hour. Then what?

“Are they going to turn it into an ambulance? Are they going to give people like me a go in it? Are they fuck.

“It’ll probably sit in a museum so schoolboys and man-children can all stare at it like a bunch of arseholes.”

The car is known as ‘the Bloodhound’ after designers decided that giving it a name might make it seem less pointless.

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Ask Holly: My husband watches Peppa Pig in the dark

Dear Holly,

I’m sure it is all perfectly innocent, but I can’t help but worry about my husband’s behaviour. He stays up after I have gone to bed and watches The Nick Jr. channel in the dark, especially the episode of Peppa where Mummy Pig gets dressed up all special for her birthday. He also comes home in the middle of the night stinking of Frazzles, and the other day I found an empty packet of farmyard-themed confectionary from Marks and Spencer in his jacket. Should I be worried?


Chipping Norton

Dear Samantha,

When I grow up I am going to be like Mummy Pig. She’s multi-talented and knowledgable about computers and never gets cross, even though her kids are whining spoiled brats who frequently come home heavily soiled by jumping in muddy puddles, and her husband is an overweight fool with a superiority complex. I suspect she self-medicates with quite a lot of wine in the evenings.

Hope that helps,